Filial Rituals

As I was lining the baking pan for my fruit cake, the same way I do every year, it occurred to me that the process probably wasn't necessary.

The original recipe calls for you to line the pan with a paper grocery sack, however, try to find one that isn't covered in dye, wax, BPA plasticizers, or worse these days is next to impossible. So, I use parchment. The process of lining the tin with greased paper was intended to help release the cake, and wrapping the tin itself in a double or triple layer of paper helped to insulate the cake during a long, relatively low temperature bake. Fruitcake is sticky and dense stuff after all, and earlier household ovens had large swings in temperature, if in fact you were able to control the temperature at all. They were smaller, and less well insulated, and the walls tended to become very hot. Contemporary ovens are decidedly less temperamental and comparatively spacious, and contemporary bakeware is thicker walled and is available in a variety of non-stick coatings, but I keep with tradition anyway. 

The ritual, I'm convinced, creates the results I desire, though I have no evidence to back up my conviction. I do it, because it's the way my mother did it, and she does it, because that is how her grandmother did it. My observance of this ritual isn't slavish or thoughtless, to the contrary, I do it precisely because it conjures childhood memories, and in some intangible way connects me to members of my family tree that I was not fortunate enough to meet.  The method, no matter how arduous is may seem today, goes back further than my great grandmother to a shared tradition common to my ancestors as well as other descendants of the English and Scottish heritage. And as a self professed Anglophile, I'm all too happy to try to take a walk in those shoes, any way I can. 

Hail the List Makers

It's that time of year again: when everything is meant to be joyful and bright, but we're all filled with a mixture of exhaustion, and dread. I don't pretend to have any magical answers to a happier holiday. At it's very best it can be hectic and overwhelming, and most of us, lets be honest here, end up getting through it, rather than celebrating it. There is just so much to do, work or school events, deadlines, shopping, wrapping, and the kind of cooking and baking most of us only do once a year. With all the added socializing and what can feel like enforced merriment, it's only normal that we all feel a mixture of excitement, nostalgia, longing, and truckloads of anxiety. Did I get the right gift? How am I going to finish everything in time? Will little Johnny remember his lines? Are we going to hit our goals for this quarter? Will this be the ring that makes her/him say yes? Did I remember to move the freakin' elf on a shelf? It doesn't matter what holiday you celebrate, if you're and adult, this is not a stress free time of year. 

My strategy for not only getting through the holidays, but actually creating little pockets of enjoyment within them, is to focus on what is most important to me. That would be, naturally, the food. The holiday I celebrate at this time of year is more atavistic than commercial: it's Pagan really. The holidays, to me, are all about feasting, and lighting a fire in the middle of the darkest months of winter. In the absence of a fire place, or an inferno of candles, twinkling lights are essential to lift my mood, as are foods that are filled with the essential - for me - flavors of Christmas: warm spices, dried fruits, sweet orange, sharp apple, oaky whisky, and earthy nuts.

Mr. Dickens has much to answer for, but, to this day it's treats like Figgy Pudding, Mincemeat Pies, Sugar Plums, and Fruitcake, (at least for me) that most evoke the feelings of an authentic Christmas. As much as I'm a fan of rituals and tradition, I have to be able to live in the contemporary world. Many a household argument has been had about my need to do things the most traditional "drawn out," "hardest way possible," but, even I have agree there are times you just have to "get there" as quickly as possible. As someone more eloquent that I am once said, perfection is the enemy of progress.

Take for instance my Figgy Puddy: it may be a more contemporary "cheaters" boiled version that eliminates the need for months of curing and basting in brandy, but the lemon sauce I serve with it is wholly my Great Grandmother's recipe. I DO make my own mincemeat, but the recipe I use is more akin to a quick jam or chutney, and it must be said, you can buy perfectly respectable - preservative free - mincemeat in the grocery stores and add your own touches at home, and no one need be the wiser.

To make Christmas pleasurable, my way, involves planning. I could not possibly do everything I like to do, and feel I ought to do, if I left myself with only a day or two to accomplish it. I also have to set limits. While making 12 different baked goods over the course of the holidays may seem like too much, it's a drastic reduction in labor to me. I think this already stressful time of year is made more stressful because well intentioned people don't take the time to really think about what they want to do, and how they are going to achieve it. And, it must be said, I am the King of procrastinators, but after so may years of collapsing next the the tree shortly after dinner on Christmas day -  because I'd been up all night the night before - I have finally learned my lesson.

I start my list making, and meal planning, with the things I know are best after they've aged. Fruit Cake can be made months in advance but, as I've mentioned, it doesn't have to be to be enjoyable. A true short bread, however, needs to cure, and Christmas Pudding really should sit and ripen for at least a week or two, so I start with these, and leave the desserts I'm making for events, say the snowman cake I'm bringing to the extended family celebration, until last. 

On top of the planning strategy, at this time of year, I utilize every moment of my time. That means stealing time at the beginning and end of the day, and everywhere I can. For example, the fruits for my fruit cake are boiled in brandy the night before I make the cake, but this takes less than an hour and can be done days in advance, and stored in an airtight container in the fridge until I'M ready. Baking potatoes can be tucked into the oven any time it's on, ready to be dressed up for a last minute meal, and quart containers of soup made and frozen in the fall are even better reheated with a fresh salad, or warmed crusty bread. One of my favorite holiday staples, icebox butter cookies, can be made more than a month in advance. Making the dough takes minutes, and they can then be thawed quickly, and baked whenever they're needed. And since thawing and baking mostly involve waiting, I can do other projects in the gaps. Best of all, if I run short on time, they'll hold into the new year.  

There was a time when I could cocoon myself in my own kitchen, but I live with three other adults (all family) who also need meals and a certain amount of space to themselves. Whenever possible, I try to leave more involved and fiddly projects, say rolling out pastry, or cutting and decorating sugar cookies, until everyone else is out of the house, or out cold in bed. 

I know this all sounds like I'm preparing to go into battle, perhaps I am, but I am perfectly happy in the kitchen, doing things, and these pockets of quiet and productivity are, for me, the best cure for all the stressors of the world that exist beyond my kitchen door. And the best antidote to being overwhelmed by everything I have to do, is being able to look at a list of everything I've already accomplished. There is nothing so bolstering to my confidence than seeing that thick black line dawn through a completed task. 

Letting Go

Without placing a value judgement on it, I am, it has to be said, a rather controlling and impatient person. These traits have served me well in the kitchen, writing, design, soap making, and in my work in the event and floral industry. Again, it just is, what it is. I'm a creative and intelligent person, and I have mild ADHD. I NEED order, structure, deadlines, and a distraction free environment to function at my best. And, the work must be engaging enough, mentally and physically, to keep me on task, which coincidentally tends to foster a certain level of attention to detail. Like many ADHD sufferers, I tend to do things full tilt, or not at all. I am also a rather dichotomous person, and as much as I can seem to thrive in chaos, I also require long periods of quiet, and solitude. Thinking on my feet is only possible because there is a mountain of order, structure, and deadlines, running through my head like the scrolling digital readouts at the stock exchange...and, it never stops. 

All that being said, I think I may be finally beginning to accept that I cannot control everything!

As much as the intent is to be helpful and make everything easier for everyone - most of all me -  I don't think it is truly helpful anymore. I end up feeling overwhelmed and resentful, and everyone else ends up feeling uncomfortable, left out, or guilty, when I am busy pretending everything is O.K. and they can plainly see my hair is on fire! Not having had the experience of being a parent, it's difficult for me to allow others to struggle when I know I can do better, or at least I think I can. I even know that for my own sanity and their self esteem, I should let them do it, especially if they have to struggle and overcome adversity. But, then impatience rears it head, and there I am stepping in, and taking over again. 

The painful truth is, I just can't do it all, and I've been making myself unhappy, for years, by trying. The struggle, at least for me, is being able to tell when it is better for me to do it myself, and when I should delegate, and then let go of whatever it is I've given away.  The letting go part is, I probably don't need to say this, where the difficulty lies. I AM a perfectionist after all. But, there are things in life that don't require perfection or precision - or so I'm told - and it's probably time that I learned to let those things go.

Owning Bro

A few nights ago, as I was going out of the door to the gym, one of the muscle guys was coming in. We made eye contact, and he said, "Hey Bro." (pronounced Brah) Now; I am accustomed to being invisible to these guys, and the joint insecurity of everyone who works out there can make any gym feel like a fairly hostile place, so it was nice to be acknowledged. I am smart enough to know he was using his own vocabulary to acknowledge that he's seen me  there four - or more - nights per week, that I've worked very hard, and that I've gotten results. Like, check it out, I've lost - or converted - the equivalent weight of an average three foot tall toddler. So, Muscle Guy was just being nice. Why was I slightly repulsed at the idea of being called Bro? Haven't I been working on my physique? Haven't I wanted to feel more like I belonged in that gym? Haven't I been preaching - and living -  being physically active, and eating well, and burning cortisol, and taxing your muscles? Haven't I spent the past year being obsessed with form, consistency, and muscle gain? Doesn't that sound a little like a jock to you?

Here's the thing: I own a mirror. I know what my body looks like. I know there's hair on my face, chest, arms, and legs. I know I have a muddy but distinctly baritone voice. No one would mistake me "on sight" for being weak, or unmanly. Outwardly, Bro isn't that inept an epithet for someone who looks like I look. And other than the fact that I use words like epithet, it's not the worst, or most ill fitting name that's been applied to me: by far! Still, I've never identified myself that way. 

In school, certainly throughout grade school, I was overweight, not good at sports, and good in music, and art. I also cried when I was angry, excluded, or shamed by the teachers, which happened often because I have some combination of ADHD and Dyslexia which my teachers could not even begin to handle. As a result of all of those factors, I got labeled a Sissy, and being gay, it kind of fit. If by fit you mean, I knew I was different, and different was something I did not want to be. I was terribly bullied in school, excluded from all but a few groups, and mercilessly tittered at every time I opened by mouth to speak up in class. When I got old enough, and big enough, not to be bullied and excluded, I excluded myself. By high school I had learned to focus all my time and energy into people and groups who didn't seem to care that I was a different, because they were different in their own way too. So, the reasons I don't readily identify myself with Bro are, lets be honest here, pretty damn obvious.

BUT, I like being a guy, I like other guys, OK I really like them! I don't have any gender dysphoria, or uncertainty, and any gender curiosity I had was literally played out of me before I reached puberty. I was a theater, dance, and music major, in college. Opportunities to explore gender and cross dress were plentiful, if not in character, then when I studied costume design, make-up, and hair. If I wanted to be anything other than a guy, even temporarily, I would have found a way.  After college, I studied floral design, planned events and weddings, and now I'm an informed and educate semi-professional cook and full-time caregiver to my in-laws. I like writing, working with fabric, interior design, and I obsessively collect paint swatches. I'd like one day to spend a year learning millinery, or how to make shoes. I also enjoy cutting down trees, growing things in the dirt, power tools, (what's a sewing machine if not a power tool?) and building things with metal and wood. I could be content living in the city, or building my own log cabin in the woods. And yes, I enjoy weight training and being physically active. It gets me out of my head, and the mental clarity -  not to mention strength and flexibility - I get from working out make all those other things possible. 

It's interesting how narrowly we can define ourselves, even unintentionally, around gender. I thought, being a guy who does lots on non-traditional guy stuff, I was somehow above all that, when in truth, I am just as mired in it as the guys who's interests never ventured outside of the guy approved activities. I thought, perhaps wrongly, that by fully embracing being a Sissy I could protect myself from not measuring up to being a full on Bro. I thought, very wrongly, those two things had to be mutually exclusive. And, I turned my own fears into distain and used it to separate myself from the very narrow definition our society has for a 'real man,' by looking down on men who did fit the stereotypes.

So even if I feel more like, Muscle Bro-Peep,  maybe it's time I owned it. Or, better yet, claimed it! I may be a gay man, but the sexual and romantic aspects aside, I am most definitely a man. I live with and am pair-bonded to another man. I am now legally bonded to that man, and I spend, probably too much of my time with that man. Counting my pets, and in-laws, my household is overwhelmingly populated by males. I'm so Bro-oriented I should go around fist bumping and grunting at strangers in the street. 

But in all seriousness, maybe it's time I let myself off the hook for not fitting into the suffocating little box modern western society has for men, because it's no place to live. Yes there are aspects of my interests and personality which fall on the feminine side of the gender continuum, but there are just as many that land smack on the far masculine side too. And maybe we all need to let more men out of their boxes, because the world is definitely missing out on everything men could be - by which I don't mean more feminine - because we don't allow them to be genuinely who they are.

Finally, the next time I see Muscle Guy, maybe I should let him know that I appreciate him noticing my efforts and simply say, "hey Bro." 

The Matrix

Today is a reboot day after a few days off due to hubby's hernia repair surgery. I had big ideas about keeping up with my scheduled workouts, but when your spouse is prohibited from lifting anything heavier than 5lbs (our small cat is 9lbs) and can't bend over to tie his own shoes, it's kind of hard to leave him home alone for an extended period of time.

While I was off, I took some much needed time to read, and rehash some of my priorities. Life, or at least my life, has a way of pulling you in all sorts of directions you don't want to go in. Too often we, OK I, find ourselves running around putting out fires, or pressured into fulfilling everyone else's wants and needs before our own. The result is we end up feeling frustrated, put upon, exhausted, and resentful of the people closest to us:  you know, the people for whom we want to be our best selves. I feel this way far too often, and I'm learning that the only way to avoid it, is to get very clear and deliberate with my intentions. If I'm going to live the way I want to live, making deliberate choices, acting with purpose, and setting boundaries, is the only way I'm going to have the energy, love, and compassion to share with the ones I love.

For simplicity sake, I've decided to organize my priorities by a set of interconnected matrices. For now those fall mainly under the headings: self-care, family-care, cultivating relationships, and using my talents to generate revenue. Under Self-care and overlapping with family-care are things like sleep, mindful meditation, exercise, and great tasting nutritious food. When I write family-care, I specifically mean helping my husband regain his health after his hernia surgery, and making sure my in-laws are in good shape to be as independent as possible during the next phase of their lives.

I am not good at cultivating relationships. I tend let other things get in the way, and it's a source of deep shame for me. But I also think this is common for adults, we get wrapped up in our own work and families and neglect our friendships. I am now making it a priority to put in the effort to connect or reconnect with people who are both important to me, and have earned the right to be a part of my life. The last category is mostly centered around getting our soap, balm, and lotion business off the ground: basically getting things made and making them available for people to buy.

I would also like to use my talents do pursue a few projects that won't directly generate revenue, but will be beneficial in executing the other parts of the matrix: daily writing, being one of them.

Yoga the Bear

I have spent the majority of my life thinking that meditation was some deep spiritual practice for someone else. Someone who was slightly less impatient, or who's interior monologue wasn't quite so chaotic. OK, I envisioned a long haired new-age Yogi in loose cotton pants sitting crosslegged on a rock overlooking the forest, or gliding silently through the early morning mist towards a mountain top Ashram. The kind of person who rises before dawn to experience the new day and perpetually radiates calm, or smiles contentedly as they speak in a soft metered voice about being one with the universe.

In other words, so not me!

Meditation, for me, is something between a repetitive chore, and a twenty minute street fight between a Siamese cat and a Jack Russell terrier: a lot of posturing and noise, but not much action. Still, I keep doing it, and occasionally I'm able to wrestle my ADHD brain into a state of quietness for more than a moment or two. I'm calling it progress. And weather it's the practice, or just carving out a bit of time to be still and breathe, it is doing me good.

I'm still impatient, fidgety, and easily agitated. I still struggle to get to sleep at night. I let mole hills become mountains. I take things too personally, and I have trouble letting go of the past, while also worrying too much about the future, but, I'm not alone. The only thing I have figured out is that being truly present and in the moment, as much as we like to talk about it, is actually quite difficult. In fact, it is a life long pursuit, and a Tibetan Monk, I am not.

I've got a long road ahead, but if the past five months are any kind of example, it turns out I AM the kind of person who practices meditation. By now I should know that if I'm resisting something, if it feels uncomfortable, or difficult, it's probably good for me. Maybe someday I'll learn.

Whatever you do, don't tell my husband, it would mean he was right.

Again.

Wash Your Troubles Away with OS 8.2

So after procrastinating for almost a year, I finally updated my iPad to OS 8.2. I love it! I use an external keyboard when I'm writing, so I haven't been able to fully take advantage of the additional features in Pages, but I will when I'm able to edit words like pate fermentee, which is properly written pâté fermentée. I have yet to update my iPhone, I suppose I will have to take the plunge soon.

Last night, after what turned out to be a great workout at the gym, I broke into our inaugural batch of soap. We were intending on curing it for four weeks, but needs must and all that. I am very pleased with the lather, which has a combination of large bubbles that build into a thick layer on the skin, and then rinses cleanly. If there is any tweaking to be done, I think we'll switch to a 7% lye discount formula for a bar that's intended to be moisturizing, and for facial bars. At 5% lye discount, this bar makes you feel clean without being astringent. I intensely dislike moisturizing soaps that leave you feeling unclean when they're rinsed from the skin. I'd prefer to apply lotion separately to the area's of my body that might need it.

Glossary: lye discount - the difference between the oils and NaOH sodium hydroxide in a soap formula, in which, more oil/fat is present than is required to complete the saponification reaction. The remainder of the oils/fats is available to soften, or moisturize the skin when the bar is used. This term is use synonymously with super-fatting in soap making, however, you can add fats and oils at the end of hot process soap making for their specific emollient, or moisturizing properties. This is what I call super-fatting a formula.

Later tonight, I will be cutting the coffee scented bars, and taking some pictures of the good, and the bad, results so far. Yes, there's even a little ugly...Tomorrow, I am making - or at least starting - another set of birdhouses. Friday we'll be making more soap.

While I'm on the subject; after the seemly endless search for a laundry detergent that doesn't make one, or both of us, break out; only to have the manufacturer endlessly reformulate it until it does make one, or both of us, break out: I've decided to break the cycle. In addition to our body bars, we are going to make our own laundry soap. In the meantime, I have started to use Zote, a tallow and coconut oil soap formulated for clothes. You can get it at Walmart and on amazon.com. I know it may sound insane to grate your own laundry soap but I don't mind, and I'll do anything - including make my own - to avoid the urge to scratch myself raw. BTW, Twenty Mule Team Borax is my fabric whitener of choice. I have a bleach pen for really bad stains, but I generally avoid chlorine bleach.

Do you have sensitive skin or allergies? What laundry products do you use?

The Dance of My People

Earlier today I got out some power tools and did the tribal dance of my people. To the untrained eye, this looks exactly like walking in circles muttering fractions.

The "American Robin and Barn Swallow" nesting shelves went together smoothly. I wouldn't say they were easy, or expletive free, but I'm out of practice working with wood and power tools in general. Before putting together our soap molds late last fall, I hadn't touched our power miter saw in almost a decade. Today I took a skill saw that I received as a present five years ago out of it's box, likewise my jigsaw. Are you disappointed in me?

I grew up with a father who had a fully equipped shop in our home. I don't remember not having the sound of power tools in the house, and I was comfortable with most of them, though maybe slightly less deft than I would like to think I was. After a couple of decades of apartment dwelling, I am maybe slightly more cautious, but still comfortable - even content - putzing in the garage. I'm still not confident of my skill level, but then, I have not exactly been practicing...

So it took me five hours and the customary cussing, but I can cross one item off my lengthy master list. I also cleaned out one of the birdhouses that...wasn't strictly designed to be cleaned out. Luckily the person that made it only used 1" brads to hold the bottom onto the frame of the house. I pried the bottom away, and cleaned out about five years of nesting materials. Then I removed the brads, drilled a couple pilot holes and screwed the bottom back into place. Next year, all I need to do is loosen the two screws and clean it out again. I also fastened a wooden cleat to the post it was haphazardly screwed to with 3" screws, and then secured the birdhouse to the cleat so that it's now properly mounted to the post. I'm not naming names, but some people just aren't handy. Those same people, often think they are...

Tomorrow, with hubby's help, I'll be hanging the Robin shelves, and cleaning out the other birdhouses, all of which, thankfully, were designed with a trap door for easy clean out.

Good news, I've remembered to take pictures of the project. Bad news, I can't figure out how to post them.

Edit: I did it!

Orangutans, and Pigs, and Petrochemicals: OH MY!

I am becoming less confident with every batch of soap we make. So far, knock on wood, we haven't had any flat out catastrophes but, completely ruined batches of soap are common when you are first starting out. I guess, I'm just waiting nervously for the other shoe to fall. Then again, cooking soap isn't all that different from what I already do everyday, so that shoe may be a long time in coming.

What makes you nervous, or me anyway, is that not only do each of the fats and oils have different qualities in the finished bar, but they act differently in the crock pot. Today, we changed from using lard, coconut oil, olive oil, and castor oil as the base fats, to using palm oil in place of the lard. Everything else about the formula was the same. The soap reached what is called full trace in a couple of minutes, as opposed to spending ten or fifteen minutes with the hand blender, and the soap cooked to the gelatinization stage in under half the time. So today's lesson: olive oil, and animal fats are slow to react in hot process soaps.

A short glossary: trace occurs when you've created a stable emulsion by hand or with the stick blender, that resembles thick pudding. Gelatinization is the final cooking stage when the soap takes on a glossy and translucent quality, not unlike Vaseline.

For those that let out a little shriek when you read the word LARD; outside of the Mediterranean region, where olive oil is most common, animal fats were the original fats used for soap. The merit of them is that they are closest in composition to the oils in our own skin. We've all been told that lard makes your skin and hair greasy when you eat them, and causes breakouts, and heart decease, and social destabilization, hurricanes, tsunamis, not to mention nuclear meltdowns, but it's just not so. It has zero trans-fats, and a better balance of omega three and omega six fatty acids than many "healthy" alternatives. On the skin, it is gently conditioning (moisturizing) without clogging the pours and without leaving an unpleasant oiliness behind.

Palm oil is more common in cosmetic applications since the end of the Second World War. But really, the chief components of the detergent bars you can buy in grocery stores are derivatives, and byproducts, of the petrochemical industry. More on this later... Palm oil is generally considered safe, but recently it has been labeled unsustainable because it often comes at the cost of Orangutan habitat. You can purchase double certified sustainable and Orangutan safe palm oils - which we did - but they cost more, and are still produced on the other side of the world from where I live. Sustainability is a constant, and measured compromise between choices. How far something travels to get to you is as important, as how it is grown or sourced, and how it effects the ecosystem from which it is derived. I understand some people are uncomfortable with using any animal products what so ever, so we are planning to make soaps that are vegan friendly and others that are...not. Specifically, I would like to use grass fed beef tallow in some of our soaps. My reasons for this are to support an industry that is preferable to factory farming, and to honor the unavoidable death of the large animal, not to mention the resources it takes to bring that animal to slaughter, by using all of it! That is, after all, what we used to do as a matter of course, and compassionate animal husbandry requires nothing less. Not wasting also appeals to my Scottish heritage. Somehow we have this reputation for being cheap, I can't imagine how this came to be...

I was too busy stuffing Lasagna into my face-hole to take a picture of my dinner tonight. Nor did I remember to snap any pictures of the soap in process. I am actually very bad at remembering to do this, even when I want to write about it.

I'm working on it.

My Left Hip

Last night, during my body scan meditation, I was focusing on the sensation in my left hip area - like you do - when the following bubbled up out the muddle: "I'm tired of apologizing for my existence."

It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to figure out where the thought came from, but the message was delivered in a calm and determined voice. My voice, but, not my voice. I think we've all had this experience in moments of reflection. There I was, lying flat on the bed, breathing deeply, trying to clear my mind before going to sleep, and now this? So, I did the only thing I could do. In my interior voice, just as calmly and determined, I said, "I cannot deal with you right now, I have to concentrate on my left hip."

Obviously, (your reading about it) the thought stuck with me, but in that moment it just kinda of floated away back where it had come from, and I have to admit, it felt like a tiny victory.

And here is what I think I learned in that moment: I cannot expect to meditate perfectly. I have to allow whatever mental flotsam is there, to be there, but I don't have to engage with it. When this occurs - which is all the time - what I need to do is return to the meditation no matter how many times I'm pulled away. There will be times when letting go of something will not be possible, times when I will actually drift off to sleep during the meditation, and times when I will heave a sigh of relief that the torture is over the moment the digital recording comes to an end.

Meanwhile, I've decided to keep a journal next to the bed for the occasions when thoughts do bubble up that I cannot shake. And yes, I've started that journal with a list of things I'm tired of apologizing for.

Cooking Soap and Washing my Mouth Out with Turkey

Last Sunday, in the wee small hours of the morning, we completed our inaugural batch of hot process soap. Our goal for the week off was to complete three batches and put them up to cure, but you already know that isn't what happened. In the end, I had to sacrifice my gym time, and stay up too late to get it done, but we did!

I then spent the better part of Tuesday being disappointed in myself for skipping the gym. I had already skipped Saturday to rest up a sore right shoulder, then I skipped Sunday to finish the soap. Monday, while moving a box of patio furniture for my mother-in-law I hurt my shoulder again, and after missing three days in a row, I was not functioning mentally. So, another meltdown had, and written about, but no one needs to read that. The conclusion is, I've spent years dissecting, avoiding, and finally accepting what my body needs. Now, I have to give myself the gifts of time and discipline to fulfill that need. It's recommendable to skip weight training if I'm injured or overly sore, but I cannot afford to sacrifice the time voluntarily. It's just too costly and I deserve to treat myself better than that.

Now that the metaphorical "soap bandage" has been ripped off, we've already completed a second batch, and will be making a third tomorrow afternoon. At this rate we'll be hunting for Guinea pigs to take some of this soap off our hands before Memorial Day is over. So far, our first batch was scented with eucalyptus and mint fragrance oil, and our second unscented. Tomorrow, we are making a coffee scented soap, using finely ground coffee beans as an exfoliant.

Yesterday I roasted off very small turkey breast that my mother-in-law brought home from Kroger, because it seemed like the perfect thing to do after spending the afternoon stirring soap in a crock pot. What was I thinking? It was a very nice treat on an otherwise uneventful Wednesday, and at $0.88/lb I wasn't going to complain. I had planned to save the leftovers for today's lunch, but what little was left was already gone before this morning. Apparently I wasn't the only one not complaining... I have another whole breast in the freezer, but I'm waiting for a warmer day to roast it outside on the grill.

Earlier this month, I prepared a huge batch of Marinara and Mushroom sauce. Tomorrow I'll be putting together a lasagna with the leftovers out of the freezer, and some fresh ricotta I just picked up at Nino Salvaggio's - an Italian specialty grocery store in our area. I am already broke for this pay check, which is the only reason I didn't spent half this months take home pay at the olive bar and cheese counter. If I ever figure out how to smuggle an entire wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano into my back pack I'll let you know. Until then, they generally ask you to pay for the stuff.

Aging the Wood

I grilled outside for the first time this year. While that is indicative of a change in the weather, I am a Canadian expat: we grill whenever it's over 40F. (4C)

Yesterday I completed my "TO DO" Master List of all the things I wanted to get accomplished this spring/summer. I then spent the evening breathing into a paper bag in the hopes that the panic would subside.

We've been living here as if our situation was temporary for almost four years now. However; it no longer matters if we will be here for six more months, or four more decades, I have to get some things settled, organized, and put in place so we can move forward in whatever direction that happens to be. So, this will be the spring/summer of "mise en place."

It would be false to say that I am not a sentimental person, but I don't generally attach a great deal of emotion to things. I'm certainly not the type of person to collect stamps, coins, figurines, or anything else that isn't functional, or directly enriches my life. Seriously, it's just stuff. Not everyone in my home shares this outlook, so a compromise will have to be reached: and possibly a garage sale had before everything is in order.

Today has been a fairly productive day! I replaced the toilet handle, and then cleaned, and greased the tank flap. And can I just say how sad I am that our toilet doesn't have a ballcock assembly? Yes, I AM twelve! It has a float cup and a vertical flapper design, meaning the rubber flap at the bottom of the tank moves - more or less - straight up and down as opposed to opening like a clam. We have hard water and the rod that guilds the flapper gets coated in minerals preventing the flapper from sliding up and down as it should. As a result the handle, which is made of flimsy plastic, breaks frequently. Rather than buying yet another plastic replacement handle from the manufacturer, I found a universal handle with a bendable metal rod. The plumber recommended just replacing the whole toilet, because he thinks it's a bad design for hard water, and OK, he's probably right. BUT; he's already gotten my in-laws for a kitchen sink and faucet, as well as one new toilet this year. I am hoping my rig will get us at least another few months. In the meantime, my in-laws need to remodel their whole bathroom, and install a walk-in shower to accommodate their needs, as well as reduce the risk of falling as they age. I'm hoping this gets underway in the next few months.

I also replaced the handle on our front storm door, did a couple loads of laundry, filled the small bird feeder, and started to sort out the garden shed on top of going through the refrigerator and pitching the leftovers, making and cleaning up after dinner. And, I'm reviewing the measured drawing for the birdhouses and Robin shelves I've been planning to make for about two years now. As my father would say, I'm not procrastinating, I'm aging the wood! I am determined that they WILL get made this year.

Later tonight, I'll be finishing my laundry, and then it's back to the gym.

Cooking Sense

I love the sound of onions hitting hot oil in the pan. It's not as universal, but for me, it is right up there with laughing babies, or purring kittens. Where others might hear hissing, I hear a contented sigh. Dinner is underway.

Cooking is about the senses, and not only the obvious application of smell and taste, but touch, sight, and hearing. It is the feel of a bread dough when it's been properly worked and is ready to ferment, or the sound of a searing steak when it's released from the pan and can be turned to brown the opposite side. It is judging everything from cookies to a roast chicken as "golden brown and delicious" just by looking at it. And it's poking a chicken breast to judge it's doneness, or the slapping sound a cake batter makes when the eggs are fully incorporated, and it is ready for you to add the flour.

I get very frustrated when I hear people say they just cannot cook. Yes, there are some who have a certain instinct (maybe a sixth sense) for cooking, but it really is as simple - and as complex - as organizing a few ingredients, heating them, and paying attention to the details. Cooking, is most tightly defined as the application of heat for the purposes of transforming raw foods into safer, more appetizing, or more digestible, cooked foods. That's it! OK, not everyone gets a kick out of frying onions, like me, but anyone can do it, and do it successfully. It does require practice, but then no human baby ever stood up, and walked, on its first try either.

In thru the nose...

Today is day number four in my gym marathon. Physically I am more exhausted than I can remember being, but my head feels clear, and I ache with accomplishment. That sounds more poetic than it is. I will not be feeling so accomplished when it is time to put together dinner, and head back to the gym. I may have to admit I'm human and take the evening off...we'll see.

My body is craving food, and rest. Fortunately I have the luxury of sleeping whenever I need to this week, as I don't really have anyplace I need to be at a certain time. Unfortunately, I am too afraid of messing up my established sleep patterns, anymore than daylight savings time already has, to take full advantage of it.

I am not a good sleeper, as a general rule, and routine does help. Last night I re-tried a "Guided Body Scan Meditation in Preparation for Sleep," or at least that's what the metered voice of the woman on the digital recording called it. I don't think it's a good sign when you are supposed to be focusing on the sensations at the top of your head, and you're already thinking "come on, get on with it" aloud in your mind, and you've only just started the twenty minute recording.

Anyone who tells you that meditation is easy, is selling something, and it's probably a book, or video, about how meditation is easy. There is a reason Tibetan Monks wear those robes, they are earned vestments, not comfy bathrobes to hang around the Monastery. "This shit be hard, yo!" I am terrible at being still and quieting my mind. Like, storybook terrible, I think I covered this in my last entry. But, I will keep trying anyway in the hopes that sheer bloody-minded repetition will force me to improve. Then maybe, one or two brief moments will turn into whole minutes of mindfulness. I'm not holding my breath, because apparently I'm supposed to be breathing in thru my nose and out thru my mouth.

As for craving food, I don't care what it is, I want to put it in my stomach. Fortunately, there are enough healthy options around that I have been able to keep things under control, but the day is young. Marrakesh Stew for dinner tonight: a combination of cumin, coriander, cinnamon, cayenne pepper, allspice, in a vegetable stock with potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, tomatoes, chick peas, and onions over rice.

Be the ball. Sink the putt.

"I'm gonna go visualize your eggs; Bob."  Runaway Bride.

It's the third day in a row of hitting the gym, and I am already starting to question my state of mind when I decided to try to workout every day of Spring Break. If I'm being completely honest, I feel like I've been repeatedly run over by a MAC truck: as in all 18 wheels, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom...but in a good way?

Last night I started to visualize finishing each set in my mind before I began the exercise. In the interest of full disclosure; I am terrible at visualization. When asked, during a meditation exercise to visualize a blue ball, I found myself wondering "how big," and "what shade of blue?" And then I spent the entire time experimenting with different sized and colored balls while simultaneously wondering if I was the only person in the room with my eyes closed, and if the instructor could tell I was struggling. So I just metered my breathing, and waited to be instructed to open my eyes again. As for visualizing my workout, you are meant to imagine the whole set, where as I managed only to visualize myself doing the exercise once, and then was ready to move on to doing it.

Mostly, I'm impatient, and unfocused. That sounds like judgement, but it's true, and if I'm not able to be honest with myself, who will? Still, as bad as I am at visualization, I have to admit that taking a moment to close my eyes, and focus on what I was doing, did improve the results. So, I guess the good news is, even if you're bad at it, like me, there is something to be gained from simply trying.

So why is it, beyond my biology, that I have such difficulty focusing? And why has it seemly gotten acutely harder with age? I would currently describe my experience of being an adult as waking up under a mountain of expectation, and having to dig myself out, just in order to get a cup of tea. Whether that mountain is made by others, or my own psychology, is something up for debate. (It's probably me.) I do know that I am frequently unhappy, and unpleasant to be around. That being the case, it is something I need to change! Since I cannot change the circumstances of my life, I must work on changing my reaction to them. None of this is news to anyone who has read a self-help book, or walked on the face of the earth for longer than fifteen or twenty years. Unless, of course, you were a Zen master at age thirteen, in which case, you're probably not reading this anyway.

I have toyed with meditation/visualization several times in my life. Certainly it has been recommended to me by clinicians, psychologists, family, and friends alike. It's just something I am not good at, and I'm not the kind of person who doggedly keeps working at something I'm not good at. However; just as everything keeps pointing me towards being very active as a key to being more content, everything I read about adult ADHD, and anxiety/depression, is pointing me towards meditation as a possible means to help me tackle the struggles I've had throughout my life.

This is going to be all kinds of not fun, but if I want to move that mountain, I guess I better start digging.

Reinstate Recess!

Daylight Savings Time begins today: I am not a fan. It is a few days earlier than last year, which is two week earlier than it was previous to 2007 thanks to the Energy Policy Act of 2005. It may make some blind bit of sense in other parts of the country, but here it mean's we are cast back into getting up for work in the dark. Well, someone is... This semester my husband is teaching in the evenings, and neither of us is, by nature, an early riser, so I'm rarely out of bed before before 10:00am. Before you begin to feel green-eyed at all, dinner, at least twice a week, is at 11:00 or 12:00 at night, and scheduling a normal life around a work day that begins at 3:00 in the afternoon is a verifiable nightmare.

Yesterday, I was "adulting" all over the place! I completed four loads of laundry, changed the furnace filter, changed the cat litter,  vacuumed the floor in utility room, cleaned the bathroom, and made dinner for the family who spent the day at a charity auction for the St. Clair County Humane Society. You get the idea. I don't have a clear picture of what I imagined my life would be when I was a child, probably exactly as my life was then (with slightly more hair,) but I'm fairly certain that doing housework and paying bills wasn't it.

Last night at the gym I had another ridiculous thought about adulthood. When I was a child, my life consisted of running, climbing, carrying, and hanging on the Monkey Bars for hours a day. Now, I pay a fee to a gym so that I can go there and mimic all those activities, and I call it work. I actually have to schedule time in my day, and put off other priorities to do it. There is something wrong with that. Maybe the solution to the obesity crisis is as simple as instating recess, as well as nap time, in the workplace. I knew you'd come along with me on this... And maybe, since changing the established pattern of the North American work day is too much to ask based on my silliness, what it really means is that when I am angry or frustrated that my workout isn't going well, I'm not getting faster results, or just plain don't feel like doing it, I need to remember that this is play time!

Even if it does now have to happen an hour earlier.

Albino Wooly Mammoth

People love to talk about food. We do not like to talk about, or even think about, what happens when there is not enough food. Here in North America starvation on any kind of scale is rare, but hunger is a reality for many. When experts talk about food deprivation in the Western population, they refer to it as food insecurity, which somehow makes the problem seem less serious than it actually is.

Food insecurity, as it is defined in the U.S, is "the inability to acquire or consume an adequate quality or sufficient quantity of food in usually acceptable ways, or, the uncertainly that an individual will be able to do so."

If that sounds too wordy for you, the components of food insecurity are: not enough food, and poor quality food.

Hunger, in contrast, is better defined as the lack of food, otherwise termed as temporary and/or frequent food deprivation. Prior to 2007 only 4.1% of U.S. children experienced hunger, and 11.1% were food insecure. Currently 14.5% experience hunger, and 33.3% of families find themselves in food insecurity. For those, like me, who aren't all that great at math, that is one-third of the population.

I find that statistic hard to internalize. It is outrageous for anyone to go hungry in a place that grows so much food that farmers allow crops to rot in the field because it is economically prohibitive to harvest it, and in a place where 40% of the food we purchase is wasted. Yet, when you sit down to write about food provenance, and eating healthfully, it is necessary to overlook that all too familiar albino Wooly Mammoth staring you in the face. How can you write about the necessity of better quality, responsibly sourced, fresh food, when so many people have no food at all?

In the interest of full disclosure: if it weren't for the fact that we live with my husbands parents, we would be considered food insecure. Even with their financial input, and my cooking abilities, it is difficult to keep decent quality fresh food on our table on a consistent basis. As food obsessed, and uncompromising, as I can be at times, I am aware of the true value of the food I put on the table for my family. I am also, all too aware that I am extremely fortunate to have enough food to eat.

When I write about the importance of buying the best quality produce that you can afford, I am fully aware of its value, and not simply parroting a popular elitist philosophy: it really is important! Yes, there are some of us who do not have enough to eat, but, as a population, many more of us can do better than we are doing. We can, and should, use our hard earned food dollars to demand better quality, contaminant-free, foods for ourselves, and our families.

The Security Illusion

Since the age of thirty, birthdays have made me, perhaps morbidly, reflective. I know I'm not alone in this, after-all what is the big deal about turning 30 or 50 or 60 if it doesn't mark a milestone between what is past and what we may become?

In 24 days I will turn 46 years old. I have had one career than I loved, found rewarding, and am proud of, and I am struggling to get my second career off the ground. I still don't know precisely what shape that will take, or how I will make it happen, but I have two or three oars in the water, and I am fairly certain I am headed in the right direction because it feels like I'm paddling up stream. That is to say, it's a tremendous effort, but anything easy is likely to be leading me in the wrong direction.

By nature, I have difficulty focusing, and I live in an environment that is the antithesis of quiet, rife with insistent distractions. At times, like today, it all feels directionless, impossible, and unchangeable. And, here's the thing: as much as I complain about the distractions, and complications of my life, and as much as I am anxious that they are delaying or possibly eliminating a future career, I am either so anxious I cannot be still, or, I am actually energized by being pulled in seven different directions at the same time.

If this is true, I must also accept that I am letting myself be derailed. That is, the possibility of succeeding scares the crap out of me so I let myself get mired in the minutia of running a household and dealing with other-people's problems. In this case it is likely that distraction provides a kind of psychological construct, or excuse, for any failure on my part to move forward. It's someone else's fault!

So, if that is the pathology of my current (and past) problems; if my psychology is driving me to avoid success, and keeping me from not only asking for what I want, but demanding it; then what is to be done about it? Am I doomed to repeat this pattern in every aspect of my life, or is it changeable? Finally, with the possibility that I may like being pulled in many different directions comes the question, shouldn't I seek out multiple career paths, or, at the very least, a career path that fulfills that need?

What complicates all these questions, is the fact that I am "of that age," where security, stability, and retirement, are more immediate concerns. I have spent enough time as the stay at home spouse, and elder caregiver, to know that I do not - will not - find that rewarding on any kind of permanent basis. Heading in my own direction, which I'm most certain is what I need to do, does not provide any assurance of future income. I realize, of course, that nothing about the future is certain, but the security of a pension plan does have its appeal, even if it is only an illusion or the very least an  allusion to security.

...not the conduit.

I am the mule, not the conduit. I am the mule, not the conduit. I am the mule, not the conduit.

It's been easy to avoid writing this morning. Installing a new cable box and rearranging the wiring behind two televisions has kept me occupied, but now I find myself with open time, and no idea what to write.

So, televisions settled, dishes washed, tea had, now what?

The chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies I baked, and froze last week are calling to me from the freezer, and I am successfully - at least for now - able to resist their siren song. There is nothing inherently wrong with home made baked goods, they are in my opinion the only kind to eat, but, I have been over-indulging lately, and I am still trying to loose some numbers by the end of the month. We'll see.

Tonight starts a seven day marathon at the gym. Maybe marathon isn't the best term for it, given that a Marathon is a specific type of activity, but you get the picture. How did that word get associated with watching endless hours of television? I probably don't want to think too much about that...However you want to say it, I WILL be working out every day of this Spring Break, even if there isn't much Spring to be had. I am actually excited about this, which is in its own way bizarre, or at least a little weird.

By the way, there is something deeply satisfying that the word "weird" doesn't follow the "i before e" rule. Can you tell I'm stalling?

Yesterday, I began writing about my upcoming birthday, and the fact that I was struggling to get my second career off the ground. A paragraph or two in, the whole thing descended down a rabbit whole that took most of the afternoon and evening to crawl out of. So, I don't think I'll be going there again anytime soon.

Who am I kidding, I live there. I just don't want my uncertainty and self-doubt made public (more public?) right now.


Wait. Am I a mule or a bear? Oh who knows...

Show up, do your job.

Elizabeth Gilbert suggested in her TED talk that we (artists) should think about our creativity, our "genius," as an external disembodied entity that exists outside of ourselves. I am not a fan of the entire concept of a muse, I am more of a mule, but she also suggested that regardless of whether or not we are inspired, we need to show up, and do our job. I have been struggling lately, and this is an attempt to show up, and do my job.

This February has been very hard. As I've said before, I am normally a proponent of getting outside, and being active, regardless of the weather, but this has been a record breaking cold month with multiple snow storms. It has literally been inadvisable to be outside for any length of time, and I do not have the appropriate outerwear (nor the money to purchase new outerwear) to go outside, and exercise when it's -20F. So, I've been stuck indoors, and that has been a setback.

I have been "depression eating" for the past 7 to 10 days, and I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't want to laze around the house, I want to hibernate, and, I've been fighting nasal congestion since Christmas which is making my pillow all the more tempting. I have been able to get to the gym three times per week, but not the four to five I'd prefer, and as for my low-intensity walks outdoors, well, it's been so nasty that getting from the house to the car requires courage and determination.

Most importantly to moving ahead, I have not been writing. There are reasons for this that go beyond procrastination, and those reasons aren't going to change for at least another year. To be plain, when you're writing about food, nutrition, and fitness, there is a kind of pressure to be endlessly enthusiastic about the subject. I am enthusiastic, but there are times when I neither feel like cooking, nor eating well, nor getting out of my chair to go to the gym. The reality is that I need to do it anyway, and again, show up, and do my job.

Next week is March break for hubby, and we're too broke to make any plans, so I'm hoping to hit the gym every day. I am also planning to get ahead with baking bread, and a couple other "freezer-filling," for those times I just can't, or don't want to make a healthy meal. We are also going to be making a batch, or two, of hot process soap.

More on the baking and soap making to come...

Lead me not into temptation, I know a shortcut.

I've been having some difficulty sticking to my eating plan. It isn't so much that I don't eat the healthy foods I've prepared, it's that, in my current circumstance, there is tremendous temptation to cheat. My most vulnerable cheat times are when I'm standing in the kitchen preparing a meal. There, surrounded by bread, bagels, crackers, chips, and other immediately gratifying foods, I catch myself, again and again, reaching for something to snack on. With some analysis of the situation I realized that the temptation to cheat occurs When I am already tired, and hungry. No mystery there, but that answer alone is misleadingly simple. Even my initial choice of words - though perhaps a little over dramatic - is telling. The foods I mentioned are simply in full view and close by, yet my experience is that I am surrounded by temptation. I have, without thought, gotten out two slices of bread from the wrapper and placed them on a paper towel before verbally reminding myself that I wasn't going to do that. I have then put those slices of bread back in the their wrapper, and caught myself reaching for them again in a few minutes time. Sometimes, like some kind of pavlovian idiot, I will return to this behavior until I finally either win the battle of wills, dinner is ready and I walk away. Or, equally likely, loose and eat them anyway.

I live with three other adults who buy their own food, and some of mine for that matter. I cannot relentlessly control every morsel of food that comes through the front door. When I experience temptations outside of my home, it is easy to recognize that I'm being deliberately enticed by a marketer or retailer, and I can look at a food and say, "no I will not be tempted by you! It would be wrong to say that buying convenience foods, and treats, and then leaving them in full view is a deliberate attempt to sabotage my efforts. That kind of thinking sets up an unhealthy and adversarial dynamic in my personal relationships, which can only end up in me being even more frustrated, worn-down, or angry, and therefore more vulnerable to temptation. Even if some kind of subconscious sabotage is occurring, it is subconscious. How responsible can I hold people for something they don't know they're doing? What I need most is to focus my energies on not being tempted, because every time I take the bait, I reinforce the idea that I can be swayed. Most importantly, in my own mind.

Honestly, I neither expect them to stop buying the foods they want to eat, nor would I demand that anyone alter where they keep that food, just because I will have to look at it. For one thing, it would be unfair, and for another, it just isn't going to happen! That said, I need a strategy to keep myself from cheating on...myself. Will power alone is not going to cut it. I never has. As I said previously, when I'm tired and already hungry, I am very vulnerable to making bad food choices. And, I'm not alone. There is significant behavior science to indicate that we are most tempted by high fat, high sugar, and convenience foods when we are fatigued. 

I thought seriously about covering the food that I don't want see, but that won't stop it from calling to me. While, out of sight, out of mind might work once or twice eventually I will give in. So, I've chosen to simply accept that I'm going to want to nosh while I'm cooking dinner, especially on Tuesdays, and Thursdays, when I'm preparing food at 11:00 at night. To avoid being temped, I will have some prepared carrots of celery on hand. It won't relieve the temptation entirely, but it will provide some distraction until I reach a stage that I am no longer tempted. If such a stage exists... 

Get Up, Stand Up!

Whenever possible, I stand. This includes my writing time, and my quiet time at the cafe. When I first started this habit, I felt very self-conscious, but now, it's just fun to see the reactions even a small break with convention receives. I've been asked if I'm waiting for someone, if I'm leaving soon so they can have my table, and if I have a medical condition that makes sitting down painful, or difficult. Some people just can't cope with anything different. It's not that I'm anti-relaxation, it's just that I want to burn the maximum amount of calories each day so that I can eat the maximum amount of good food. There are multiple other benefits of standing over sitting, but as I've said before, I'm greedy, and proud of it!

I don't subscribe to any extreme doctrine, rest is as important activity. One article by a chiropractor stated that the human body wasn't designed for sitting, and another recommended sitting for less that two hours cumulatively per day if you want to live a nice long healthy life. Seriously, this is a thing. Like with science behind it.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uiKg6JfS658
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4K_ENbRgywY

Whether you believe the recent research, or not, it is hard to deny that too much of contemporary life is sedentary, and there is significant evidence to suggest that sitting, or at least sitting too much, has a correlated negative effect on our health. I don't need all of the evidence to be reviewed to act on this.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I tend towards mild ADHD behavior. Sometimes I just need to move to think, and I've always been rather fidgety and twitchy. I have difficulty sitting through a whole 22 minute television show, which is the real reason I rarely watch television. My husband has gotten used to me shifting in my seat, and getting up to stand at the back of the theater on the occasions that we do go to see a movie together. I also tend to, literally, sit on the edge of my seat if I'm really focused on what we're seeing, and while I do not sign along when I'm seeing a musical - well, not out loud - I have been known to chair dance and wiggle when we're at a live show. Not to put too fine a point on it: I have friends who refuse to go to movies with me because I literally cannot sit still. Unless I am fully engrossed in a project I naturally don't sit for long periods of time, so standing to work, or even relax, isn't that much of a stretch for me, as it may be for others.

So, maybe you're not inclined to adopt a standing desk, or pace your way through American Idol. You can do something to be less sedentary. One recommendation to counteract the negative effects of sitting is to get up from your desk once every hour, and do 5 minutes of activity. I'm not sure a trip to the refrigerator counts as cardio, but longer commercial breaks are perfect for stretching, and other body weight only exercises. As with all exercise, anything you do is better than being sedentary. So, hell yes, that trip to the bathroom counts!

Snowpocolyps '15 - The Clean-Up

My fellow cave dwellers. Having spend six hours over the span of two days clearing out from the worst snow storm since 1974, I am very sore, and exhausted, and a little exhilarated. I love snow, and shoveling out after a storm is a welcomed burst of productive activity, just when the walls were beginning to feel like they were closing in on me.

Shoveling the pavement is one thing, raking snow off the roof is another strenuous job that comes with heavy snowfall, and I can't say I am much of a fan of this chore. For those who do not know, there is a specially designed roof rake, which looks more like a plastic snow shovel on a very long pole, that enables you to stand on solid ground and pull the worst of the snow off of the roof, or at least the six feet closest to the eves. Imagine shoving snow, by pulling it off the driveway from twenty feet away, with the shovel held above your head, and you're just about on point. Doing this helps to prevent ice build up, which can ruin shingles and in extreme cases rip the eves trough off the side of your house. Equally important, it prevents snow drifts from building up and letting loose in great rafts that can come crashing down on people, pets, and belongings.

Bottom line, shoveling and raking, has kept me out of the kitchen and out of the gym for most of this week. I'm not happy about that, but my body is telling me that a workout would be superfluous, at least for today. Tomorrow; however, is another day and I have some catching up to do. Not to mention, the usual chores that have gotten neglected so that I could dedicate my free time (what's that?) to snow removal.

So, in addition to hitting the gym every day Friday thru Monday, I have to make granola, *oatmeal muffins, kale and quinoa salad, roasted tomato tebouleh, and a fresh batch of hummus on top of the three squares a day. It is going to be a busy weekend, and we are expecting more snow on Sunday. Historic snow storms aside, having your plans interrupted, canceled, or altered, by the weather is normal for February.

There are times when cave dwelling and hibernation are perfectly valid choices.

*The muffin recipe is posted here:http://haleandheartybear.blogspot.com/2015/01/healthy-oatmeal-muffins.html

You Are Being Manipulated

Most of us are aware that when we walk into any retail establishment, we are being manipulated. Whether it's the lighting, upbeat music, or appearance and layout of the space we are being stimulated to, not only buy, but buy more. I was aware of some of the tricks in the following article, but the lengths to which we are being steered to spend more money in the average grocery store, still caught me by surprise.

http://www.bonappetit.com/test-kitchen/how-to/article/supermarket-psychology


I wish I could claim to be completely immune to all of these tricks, but I am not. What I have developed over years of trying to, not only eat well but, eat well on a very small budget, is a set of rules to help me avoid the trickery. Calling it psychological warfare may not be hyperbole on the part of the author. This doesn't mean we need to develop a completely adversarial relationship with our local mega-mart, but it does mean that, as informed individuals we should be aware of the environment we are entering so that we can make better choices, that are based in reason, rather than impulse.

Some of these rules were learned at my parents' knee, passed on from their parents, and grandparents, and others I've read in various articles, and books, on health and nutrition. Others I've learned the hard way, by making the mistake I was being lead to make. I am aware that written as hard and fast rules, these sound deceptively simple, but every one of them requires at least some effort, and a certain amount of discipline. Given the psychological trickery you are going to experience when you step through the doors of your favorite grocery store, it is essential that you are sufficiently armored.

Rule number one: know what you already have.

We are all busy, and my compliance with this rule is a work in progress. Everyone, myself included, could benefit from looking through their cupboards, pantry, refrigerators, and freezers before heading out to the store. I am due - this weekend in fact - to inventory my own pantry, make a list of what I have that I need to use up, discard foods that have passed their expiration date, and make a list of staple items I am running low on.

In an ideal world, I should - and you should too - do this weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly - whenever it is you're planning to hit the isles of the grocery store to do you main shopping trip. The good news is, an ideal world isn't that far out of hand. Once you have a handle on your inventory, all you really have to do is scratch things off a list as you use them up. All of us, because we are fallible, should inventory our kitchens at least once a year.

Rule number two: make a meal plan, and a shopping list.

Standing in the isles of the grocery store is no fit time to decide what you're going to eat. As the article says, you are being bombarded with external stimuli, the sole purpose of which is to part you from your hard earned money. This is not an atmosphere in which anyone can make good choices. Making a meal plan is not only an opportunity to use up items in your pantry and refrigerator, but it is the only way to determine what it is you actually need. This is especially helpful when you are trying to make lifestyle changes, or are particularly busy. Yes it takes time, but that time is recovered two fold when it's time to prepare meals, and eat.

There is one more reason having a meal plan is essential. Not to put too fine a point on it, but, it is precisely the act of deciding what we'll eat at the end of a busy day that billions upon billions of dollars in advertising are meant to exploit. It's that moment of choice where we become vulnerable to bad food and budget choices. The narrative goes something like this, "stressed out, tired, got a picky eater at home, just don't feel like cooking today? Let us do it for you!"  It isn't the act of cooking that makes us stressed out, it's the act of deciding. Do this at home before you are being bombarded by all the stimuli. Give yourself the gift of peace of mind, and autonomy, so that you can spend your energy and money where it is needed: on yourself and those you care for.

And, stop referring to yourself as a consumer. Consumers don't have responsibilities, histories, families, or lives. You are a citizen, not a spending machine!

How I do it:

Digital devices be damned, I have found that the easiest way for me to make a meal plan is to sit down with a pad of paper, a mechanical pencil, and a cup of tea. The tea is optional...for you, not for me. I write out the days of the week, with sufficient space to write out a menu for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, as a sub-category under each heading. This way I can look at multiple day's meals at a glance, and I can erase, move, or change the plan as I go. I also make a note of any appointments, or obligations my family and I have during the week in the margins, so that I can accommodate those, and still stay on plan. This is also the time to look over your coupons and store flyers - most of them are available on-line - and make some choices.

100% compliance is not even remotely possible, unexpected events occur, that is just how life is. However; your meal plan is like a malleable road map to getting food on the table all week long.

....and a list.

Now that you've made a meal plan, make a list of the items you need to fulfill that plan. There are always going to be those items, one or two, that are best left until very close to the time you are going to prepare a meal, but for the most part, your list should prepare you to get everything you need for the week in one trip.

Your list is the essential tool you will use to help you avoid being manipulated once you're in the store. In fact, I take my list, and my meal plan with me: I never know when my hubby will request a favorite meal, or when I'll see something I simply cannot leave the store without. More on this later...

Rule number three: buy only what is on your list.

This can be HARD. Remember how much work, time, and money is put into getting you to buy more than you intended to buy? We are all fallible, sticking to your list may mean that you occasionally forget an item, or even two, but it will help you to avoid the multiple-buy, bulk-buy, and special offers you weren't planning on buying, or did not even know existed before you got to the store. Whenever possible, buy only what you need of the items on your shopping list.

I have to state, emphatically, that YES it sometimes does make sense to bulk buy items you KNOW you will use week in, and week out. Too often, though, we get tricked into thinking we'll suddenly be disciplined and use a large volume of a food-stuff just because we bought it in bulk.  Strictly speaking, there is also nothing wrong with buying items on spec. A great cheese, olives,   produce, or something at the butcher counter can sometimes literally call to you. The trick here is to then adapt your meal plan to accommodate that purchase. This is precisely why I take my meal plan with me.

However; do not be fooled into thinking you will suddenly prepare a meal using some new or exotic ingredient that you are unfamiliar with just because it was on sale. There are individuals who have a particular talent for wandering the isles of a grocery store, or farmer's market, picking up whatever stimulates their imagination, and somehow manage to transform that into meals throughout their week. I have met many professional chefs can not do this! Furthermore, no restaurant can run this way, and you certainly shouldn't expect your household to run this way either.

There are other exceptions, of course, but the hard and fast rule still applies: buy only what you need and you will avoid being stimulated into over buying, and wasting your hard earned money on food that is going to spoil in your refrigerator, or on your pantry shelves.

Rule number four: stick to your plan.

OK this seems like it should be a redundant rule, but, it is not. No matter how great your intentions, life has a way of messing with your plans. This is, after-all, why I write my meal plans in pencil. Of course there will be times when sticking to the plan will not be possible, but there are those moments when all that is needed is a little bit of discipline. It goes without saying that any foods, or meals that don't get made on this week's meal plan, should be forwarded to the top of next week's plan. If you can manage this cycle, not only will you get more out of your grocery dollar, but you will not fall victim to marketeers, and the mind games they play on all of us.

The Bear is Back

After being out sick for two weeks with a fairly nasty chest cold, I was finally well enough to hit the gym last night. I was already prepared to lower the resistance/weight in my usual workout, but even that was taxing enough to really feel it today. I also skipped the last two exercises - I'd already done all the major muscle groups and was starting to feel wobbly, but mostly I skipped them because I was running out energy and time: it just took longer to recover between sets than normal.

There is some debate in the information that I found online about whether you should, or shouldn't, work out when you have a cold. The consensus, and the advise I generally follow, is that working out is fine so long as the cold symptoms exist from the neck up, and do not include a fever. Most sites DID recommend a less intense workout, and "active resting" which in a nutshell means plenty of rest, low intensity activity, stretching, and even treating yourself to a massage, hot tub or sauna.  Whether working out will make your cold symptoms better or worse, or the duration of illness greater or smaller, I think is completely dependent on the individual. My hubby, the Microbiologist, will tell you "the virus takes as long as it takes to get out of your system."

Of course I whined, and fretted compulsively, about missing the gym the entire time, but I stuck it out, and I'm on the mend. Arms and shoulders tomorrow, and then back to my usual rotation on Friday.

Meanwhile I have gotten behind here: I still have to post the recipe for my families favorite home made granola, and a recipe for a new salad, well, new to me. The salad was billed as a "detox salad," but again, I'm not sure I buy the hype. What it IS, is crunchy, lemony, naturally sweet, and chock full of cruciferous veggies, raisins, dried cranberries, and sliced almonds. It was delicious the first day and still crunchy and satisfying on day four.  

Healthy Oatmeal Muffins

These muffins are more of a meal replacement than a sweet treat, although they are that too. What they are is chalk full of great stuff. All of the cholesterol balancing beta-glucan, and more soluble and insoluble fiber that any supplement can provide. They contain all the vitamins and anti-oxidants found in fruit juice, puree, and dried fruit, plus avenanthramdes - the antioxidant exclusively found in oats. Most importantly, once made and frozen they are extremely convenient to grab on your way out the door in the morning.

The recipe originally called for vegetable oil, but with the recent discoveries about the health benefits of coconut oil I've started to use melted coconut oil with out any noticeable difference in the end results. The fruit juice, puree, and dried fruits you choose to use in this recipe is only limited by your imagination. I have used mashed banana, pumpkin and sweet potato purees, but most commonly use organic unsweetened applesauce right off the grocery store shelf. If you've made your own pear or apple sauce by all means use that.

Oats themselves do not contain the necessary components to form gluten, however, since they are subject to contamination from shared milling and packaging equipment. If you suffer from a gluten allergy, Celiacs disease, or other gluten intolerance, be sure to select ingredients from sources that you know are contaminant free. These may be labeled "gluten free" but FDA standards allow for up to 20ppm of gluten contamination, and labeling is voluntary. So, for severe sufferers always check with the vender.

Recipe following the break:


Fruit and Oatmeal Muffin Recipe
Serving Size: 2 small, or 1 large

Ingredients:
270g old fashion oatmeal [~2 1/2 cups]
90g oat bran [~3/4 cup]
3g baking soda [~1/2 tsp]
9g baking powder [~ 1 tbsp]
5g cinnamon [~ 1 1/2 tsp]
2g nutmeg [~ 1/2 tsp]
1g allspice [~ 1/2 tsp]
130g fruit purée - applesauce, pumpkin, sweet potato, pear, mashed banana [~ 1cup]
165g dried fruit - raisins or other variety chopped if needed [~ 1 cup]
75g dark brown sugar - maple syrup or honey [~1/3 cup]
250g apple cider -orange, pear, cranberry, pomegranate [~ 1 cup]
70g egg white - or equivalent egg substitute [~ 2 extra large]
12g vegetable oil - expeller pressed canola or other flavorless oil [~ 1 tbsp]

1. Preheat oven to 400 F. Line 12 regular wells - or 6 large - with paper cupcake liners, or grease with oil or your favorite cooking spray.* Set aside.

2. Using a food processor or blender, grind oatmeal and oat bran into a course flour. Approximately 3 - 4 minutes. If you have a very small appliance, work in batches. Tranfer the oat flour to a large bowl.

3. Add baking soda, baking powder, and spices to the dry mixture, stir to combine and set aside.

4. Combine egg whites and brown sugar in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, and beat until sugar has evenly absorbed the egg whites. Add fruit purée and beat on medium high speed until sugar has completely dissolved. If unsure rube a small amount of the emulsion between your fingers, if you feel any grittiness not associated with the fruit keep mixing.**

5. Add oil to the wet ingredients.

6. On low speed, add dry ingredients in two installments, alternating with fruit juice. Do not over mix!

7. Fold in dried fruit, and portion in to prepared muffin pans.

8. Bake 15 - 20 minutes [small] or 20 - 25 minutes. [large] A toothpick inserted into the center should come out clean.

9. Cool in pan for 10 minutes and remove to cooling rack.

10. When still warm to the touch, pack into appropriate sized zip top bags, or wrap individually in plastic wrap and freeze immediately.

* I am not a huge fan of aerosol cooking spray, or other "cake release" products, and usually opt to use canola or vegetable oil from a misting "hand pump" dispenser, such as a Misto. Or, more often I say hang the added few calories and grease the pan with butter. High quality vegetable shortening works, but inexpensive brands containing a larger proportion of cotton seed oils which tend to stick and can add an unpleasant taste to baked goods.

** This can be mixed by hand. Whisk wet ingredients together in the same order until the mixture is frothy, and the sugar is devolved. Stir in dried ingredients and fold in dried fruit.

If serving a group, serve while still warm. Baked and frozen muffins with keep for up to one month, and can be heated in the microwave 45 - 90 seconds. This batter can be made the night before, and stored in the refrigerator. Allow 30 minutes to return to room temperature and then portion and bake as above. The unbanked dough can be frozen, and keeps for up to three months. Allow dough to thaw at room temperature for 1 - 1 1/2 hours before baking as described above.

Walking the Walk

Food, good food, is my passion and, bread and pastry, my particular fetish. I love bread. I would eat it at every meal if I could. And, I'm tired of apologizing for it!

In these carb abolitionist, gluten free, Dr. Atkins and Paleo crazed days, that kind of confession doesn't seem too far off the mark.

So there it is. I love great bread, and I just so happen to be able to make a great loaf of bread in the privacy of my own home. With that confession put aside, I eat far too much bread, and most of it is definitively NOT great. There are multiple factors that contribute to this, including the fact that I do not live alone and cannot dictate the type and quality of every food item that comes into my home. Add to this, the fact that making bread at home, while enjoyable, does require large blocks of time, and quality bread bought from a baker is expensive. Factor in that fact that I cannot occupy the kitchen all day everyday. Add a little human laziness (mostly mine) and the result is that the chemical inoculated plastic stuff from the grocery store is still a part of my regular diet.

I'm not very happy or proud of this fact.

Issues of quality and provenance aside, I still eat too much of the stuff, and I've been trying for a long time to alter my habits. I must say, emphatically, that unless you are a Celiacs sufferer, are allergic to wheat, or suffer from any one of the gluten intolerance symptoms, there is nothing wrong with bread, wheat, or unbleached flour. How many qualifiers can I put on that?

Obviously I am not a prohibitionist when it comes to the daily loaf, but as an omnivorous animal, I should be eating from the greatest variety of plants, fish, and animals available to me that I can reasonably afford - financially or calorically. Allowing one foodstuff, one grain in fact, to take up such a huge part of my diet just seems like a bad idea no matter what that foodstuff happens to be. Still, bread and pastry (bread in a cuter outfit) continue to be areas in which I have a great deal of difficulty "walking the walk," when it come to my own nutritional wellbeing.

So, I've decided to do something about this other than moan that I shouldn't be eating so much bread, as I shovel more bread into my mouth. To do this, I've set up some rules for myself that have worked with other nutritional hurdles in the past. Altered to your needs, they might just work for you.

Rule 1: Any bread I eat must be of the "great" homemade, or bakery kind. No preservatives, conditioners, etc. I've actually done very well with applying this rule to baked goods an pastries, and I have no reason to believe it will not work here.

Rule 2: Don't eat bread just because it's easy or convenient. I do this far too often when I'm feeling a little hungry before bed or even as I'm preparing a meal. Sometimes bread is just necessary component to a meal.  A sandwich is probably the most convenient lunch, but a sandwich can no longer be the default choice when a salad, best yet one containing some other grain, is more sustaining and increases the amount of other foodstuffs I can eat within that meal.

With these rules come the following strategies:

As I mentioned, buying good quality bread from a bakery can very quickly get economically prohibitive, so obviously, strategy number one is get into the kitchen, and make some bread. But isn't that letting the fox into the hen house? The second component of this strategy is to slice and freeze whatever bread isn't eaten the day it is made so that I am forced to thaw whatever I need, when it is needed, and no more.

Since I cannot clear my environment of the so-so not so good stuff this will require some will power on my part but, these rules and stratagem are no good to me, of course, if I don't also savor and enjoy what bread and pastries I do eat, which only feeds into the, "only eat the good stuff," rule.

The second strategy, also involved the kitchen: prepare some foods that are just as convenient to eat as a couple slices of bread. Have them ready to eat in the refrigerator, and then: eat them!

Someone once said that we do not change our diet without essentially, first, changing our tastes. This sounds extreme to me, but there is a nugget of truth there. There is no use depriving oneself of something if you do not simultaneously cultivate an appetite for something else. In other words, having a substitute available is an essential tool to changing any bad habit. You cannot expect yourself to tackle the problem with willpower alone.

Pensive Bear - Creativity

I've been doing a lot of self analysis lately, and was directed by a close friend to examine, "what makes me happy; what turns me on; and gets me out of bed in the morning; what could I do over and over again, for too many hours a day, and still want to get up the next morning, and do it all over again?"

The most clear answer I can give to that question is, I am turned on (made happy) by the act of creating. Whether it's cut flowers in a unique floral arrangement, raw ingredients in a recipe, or fabric in a shirt, what gets me excited, what gives me that, "wow, life is good," feeling is the act of transforming those raw materials into something that, without the use of your hands, your imagination, instincts, knowledge, and practice, did not previously exist. In this same way, words are the raw ingredients of poetry and prose; and soap is a transformation from lye, water, essential oils, and a mixture of fats into a useful object that has it's own qualities of color, lather, and scent, that are - no matter how meticulous and consistent the process - unique to it's maker.

The trouble is that all these activities, while deeply rewarding, are also solitary pursuits. I am perfectly OK with that...most of the time. However; as someone who tends to exist too much inside my own head, and who works best on his own, I find it very hard to exist outside of that private creative world. Having a rich inner world is one thing, but feeling isolated and misunderstood because you don't posses the interpersonal skills to share that world with those closest to you, is another thing altogether.

Am I speaking in code? If you're an introvert, like me, chances are I am not.

Ultimately, I wonder if I will ever be able to accept feeling isolated and alone - from time to time - as nothing more than the price of admission to that rich inner world. I also wonder if turning inward to that world is, in the long run, good for my mental health, and the emotional wellbeing of those who are closest to me. It is clear, after twenty three years, that my husband has come to accept me as I am, just as my immediate family has over my lifetime. But, I sometimes wonder if I ever will accept myself as I am, or, if like some kind of perpetually unfinished project, I'll just keep trying to redesign myself into something I can't quite articulate, but that I can see when I close my eyes.

Achoo!

I do not suffer colds gladly. (Who does?)

I don't mean that I moan and groan, whimper or whine about my symptoms, but I detest the inconvenience. Being sick and having to skip the gym, or my walk, because it's not a great idea to tax my body when I am already ill. Or, when I don't feel like eating or cooking, and only the crappiest of salty or sweet treats sounds remotely appetizing. All of the external minutia that surrounds being under the weather, those things I will complain about until my loved ones want to smother me with a pillow.

All of this is to say, I went to bed feeling perfectly well, and woke up with a chest cold. A small part of me wants to blame a thirty degree shift in the temperature, and hope that I'll just as suddenly feel better tomorrow, but that would be a form of denial. This is a cold; complete with bone deep soreness, scratchy dry throat, post nasal drip, tightness in my chest, and coughing.

So, no gym tonight. Hot shower, Vic's, grab the kitties, and early to bed.

Food or Feed

We've all heard the saying, instead of asking why is eating well is so expensive, we should be asking why is eating poorly is so cheap, but I've got another one, " is it food, or is it feed?"

So, here's the goal of most processed food manufacturers: produce as much caloric value, that is safe to consume (pathogen free) and meets the basic macronutrient needs of most humans for the cheapest price to the consumer at greatest amount of profit possible.

I am not against companies making a profit, nor am I for individuals and families spending more money on staple grocery items than is necessary. Too many of us don't know where their next meal is coming from and the food system that is in place does help some families put food, or at least calories, on the table where as healthier choices are not available, let alone affordable. In other words, inexpensive processed food does keeps families on the margin from slipping into food insecurity. But most of us, can afford to do better for ourselves that we are, and it wasn't so long ago that I didn't see a problem with eating the cheapest most convenient food possible.

My food and nutrition journey started with a different species. A few years ago there was a large recall of cat food because of tainted ingredients.  I was lucky enough not to loose any of my four-legged family members, but some of the tainted food did make it onto my pantry shelves and into my cats. I received a crash course in pet nutrition during that scare, even going so far as sitting on the floor of the food isle reading every single label trying to find pet food that was safe, and nutritious for my pets to eat. I realized very quickly how much of the information was cleverly disguising the truth, and how much I had perhaps naively trusted my pets health to a corporation. My pets feed was predominantly generated from waste products of meat production, and derivatives of three commodity crops, corn, soy, and wheat. Not the grains themselves, of course, but as thickeners, fillers, and emulsifiers. Within one brand the ingredient list read the same regardless of what flavor the feed claimed to be on the bag. The thing that brought me close to tears was the realization that no matter which brand or formula I chose there was a compromise to be made. I even considered making my pets food from raw ingredients to nutritious pate, and, I even made a couple attempts before realizing that wholesome food was of no use, if the cats refused to eat it.

The story gets even more frightening when I started to read the labels on the processed foods that featured as a large part of my diet at the time, and I found exactly the same derivatives of the same three crops. Good news, I wasn't feeding my pets anything I wasn't prepared to eat myself, but bad news, neither of us should have been it in the first place!

Moving on to the second revelation of the pet food scare, a wide variety of the foods on the market were being manufactured in just one facility. Do I need to tell you that the same holds true for many of the processed foods on the grocery store shelves? I am not saying that each brand doesn't have it's own, highly specific formulas, and proprietary ingredients, but what we're not told is this: manufacturing equipment is very expensive to build and maintain. When it comes to economies of scale it only makes sense to share highly specialized equipment than for every brand of (picking something at random here) frozen meat pie on the market, than for each brand to own and maintain it's own equipment and facilities. These are, or have become, economic realities of the world we live in. The unfortunately down side of this, is that even the maker of your frozen meal or dehydrated noodle packet may be at least one or two, or several, steps removed from the process of actually making the food.

Before I get too far afield here, I will try to provide the pathway of logic that led me to the question is it food or is it feed. With real unadulterated healthy food becoming more and more the privilege of the more affluent, and cheap processed food made from recombinations of the same commodity crops the necessary sustenance of the less fortunate. Are we not creating a dividing line between healthy food, and baseline feeding of the masses with substances that administer to only our most basic macro nutrient requirements, just as a cheap can of cat food reportedly does for our pets?

I am not suggesting anything as Marxist as a deliberate plot here. I think the individual parties are simply acting in what they perceive to be there own best interests, whether that is in the name of greater profit for their company - and therefor a better living for themselves - or if the acting forces actually believe they are providing a vital service in the form of more calories for everyone's dollar. I am prepared to say that the fact that many of those calories are empty and of questionable provenance is a consequence of not prioritizing human nutrition - food - over calories consumed - feed. They are - bottom line - the consequences of choosing profit over human beings.

This is by no means complete, I will return to many of the subjects I've touched on again and again because they are, in part, the motivation for the way I have chosen to live my life.