Letting Go

Without placing a value judgement on it, I am, it has to be said, a rather controlling and impatient person. These traits have served me well in the kitchen, writing, design, soap making, and in my work in the event and floral industry. Again, it just is, what it is. I'm a creative and intelligent person, and I have mild ADHD. I NEED order, structure, deadlines, and a distraction free environment to function at my best. And, the work must be engaging enough, mentally and physically, to keep me on task, which coincidentally tends to foster a certain level of attention to detail. Like many ADHD sufferers, I tend to do things full tilt, or not at all. I am also a rather dichotomous person, and as much as I can seem to thrive in chaos, I also require long periods of quiet, and solitude. Thinking on my feet is only possible because there is a mountain of order, structure, and deadlines, running through my head like the scrolling digital readouts at the stock exchange...and, it never stops. 

All that being said, I think I may be finally beginning to accept that I cannot control everything!

As much as the intent is to be helpful and make everything easier for everyone - most of all me -  I don't think it is truly helpful anymore. I end up feeling overwhelmed and resentful, and everyone else ends up feeling uncomfortable, left out, or guilty, when I am busy pretending everything is O.K. and they can plainly see my hair is on fire! Not having had the experience of being a parent, it's difficult for me to allow others to struggle when I know I can do better, or at least I think I can. I even know that for my own sanity and their self esteem, I should let them do it, especially if they have to struggle and overcome adversity. But, then impatience rears it head, and there I am stepping in, and taking over again. 

The painful truth is, I just can't do it all, and I've been making myself unhappy, for years, by trying. The struggle, at least for me, is being able to tell when it is better for me to do it myself, and when I should delegate, and then let go of whatever it is I've given away.  The letting go part is, I probably don't need to say this, where the difficulty lies. I AM a perfectionist after all. But, there are things in life that don't require perfection or precision - or so I'm told - and it's probably time that I learned to let those things go.