"I'm gonna go visualize your eggs; Bob." Runaway Bride.
It's the third day in a row of hitting the gym, and I am already starting to question my state of mind when I decided to try to workout every day of Spring Break. If I'm being completely honest, I feel like I've been repeatedly run over by a MAC truck: as in all 18 wheels, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom...but in a good way?
Last night I started to visualize finishing each set in my mind before I began the exercise. In the interest of full disclosure; I am terrible at visualization. When asked, during a meditation exercise to visualize a blue ball, I found myself wondering "how big," and "what shade of blue?" And then I spent the entire time experimenting with different sized and colored balls while simultaneously wondering if I was the only person in the room with my eyes closed, and if the instructor could tell I was struggling. So I just metered my breathing, and waited to be instructed to open my eyes again. As for visualizing my workout, you are meant to imagine the whole set, where as I managed only to visualize myself doing the exercise once, and then was ready to move on to doing it.
Mostly, I'm impatient, and unfocused. That sounds like judgement, but it's true, and if I'm not able to be honest with myself, who will? Still, as bad as I am at visualization, I have to admit that taking a moment to close my eyes, and focus on what I was doing, did improve the results. So, I guess the good news is, even if you're bad at it, like me, there is something to be gained from simply trying.
So why is it, beyond my biology, that I have such difficulty focusing? And why has it seemly gotten acutely harder with age? I would currently describe my experience of being an adult as waking up under a mountain of expectation, and having to dig myself out, just in order to get a cup of tea. Whether that mountain is made by others, or my own psychology, is something up for debate. (It's probably me.) I do know that I am frequently unhappy, and unpleasant to be around. That being the case, it is something I need to change! Since I cannot change the circumstances of my life, I must work on changing my reaction to them. None of this is news to anyone who has read a self-help book, or walked on the face of the earth for longer than fifteen or twenty years. Unless, of course, you were a Zen master at age thirteen, in which case, you're probably not reading this anyway.
I have toyed with meditation/visualization several times in my life. Certainly it has been recommended to me by clinicians, psychologists, family, and friends alike. It's just something I am not good at, and I'm not the kind of person who doggedly keeps working at something I'm not good at. However; just as everything keeps pointing me towards being very active as a key to being more content, everything I read about adult ADHD, and anxiety/depression, is pointing me towards meditation as a possible means to help me tackle the struggles I've had throughout my life.
This is going to be all kinds of not fun, but if I want to move that mountain, I guess I better start digging.
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