The Security Illusion

Since the age of thirty, birthdays have made me, perhaps morbidly, reflective. I know I'm not alone in this, after-all what is the big deal about turning 30 or 50 or 60 if it doesn't mark a milestone between what is past and what we may become?

In 24 days I will turn 46 years old. I have had one career than I loved, found rewarding, and am proud of, and I am struggling to get my second career off the ground. I still don't know precisely what shape that will take, or how I will make it happen, but I have two or three oars in the water, and I am fairly certain I am headed in the right direction because it feels like I'm paddling up stream. That is to say, it's a tremendous effort, but anything easy is likely to be leading me in the wrong direction.

By nature, I have difficulty focusing, and I live in an environment that is the antithesis of quiet, rife with insistent distractions. At times, like today, it all feels directionless, impossible, and unchangeable. And, here's the thing: as much as I complain about the distractions, and complications of my life, and as much as I am anxious that they are delaying or possibly eliminating a future career, I am either so anxious I cannot be still, or, I am actually energized by being pulled in seven different directions at the same time.

If this is true, I must also accept that I am letting myself be derailed. That is, the possibility of succeeding scares the crap out of me so I let myself get mired in the minutia of running a household and dealing with other-people's problems. In this case it is likely that distraction provides a kind of psychological construct, or excuse, for any failure on my part to move forward. It's someone else's fault!

So, if that is the pathology of my current (and past) problems; if my psychology is driving me to avoid success, and keeping me from not only asking for what I want, but demanding it; then what is to be done about it? Am I doomed to repeat this pattern in every aspect of my life, or is it changeable? Finally, with the possibility that I may like being pulled in many different directions comes the question, shouldn't I seek out multiple career paths, or, at the very least, a career path that fulfills that need?

What complicates all these questions, is the fact that I am "of that age," where security, stability, and retirement, are more immediate concerns. I have spent enough time as the stay at home spouse, and elder caregiver, to know that I do not - will not - find that rewarding on any kind of permanent basis. Heading in my own direction, which I'm most certain is what I need to do, does not provide any assurance of future income. I realize, of course, that nothing about the future is certain, but the security of a pension plan does have its appeal, even if it is only an illusion or the very least an  allusion to security.