Me As A Verb.

Whatever this soap maker, chef, writer, fitness freak, THING I’m doing is, everything I do is self-directed. OK, so I’m broke, but I also have a great deal of freedom, and I also have a great deal of fear. Succeeding requires, along with luck, a whole bunch of self-discipline, which in unstructured situations, isn’t my strong suit.

 

I think I more than covered my trouble with procrastination, but I can overcome that natural tendency when I have a firm deadline.  It seems logical then to try and create concrete consequences for not meeting my deadlines when it comes to all this self-directed activity. Easy enough, right?

Here’s the problem: I’m an adult, and I’m stubborn. I have developed a lifetime habit of procrastinating and giving in to fear, and even if it no longer (or never) serves me or my work, it’s a bad habit my brain doesn't want to give up. Also, no one is going to yell at me if I don’t meet my deadlines, I’m not going to lose money because I have no promise of an immediate payoff if I meet my deadlines, and frankly, being a grown up, my mommy or my teachers isn’t going to be disappointed in me, or give me a big red zero on my paper because it was late.  No boss is going to write me up of fire me, no publisher is going to demand I return the money I received as an advance. I’m only going to be disappointed in myself, and I’m already used to that. It's a comfortable but unhappy place to be in.

So, for the past week I’ve been focused on sitting down and getting real clear about my goals and values. Why I’m doing what I’m doing, and also the consequences if I don’t do what I’m meant to be doing. Even as I write that, it reads like it should be easy, but we all have tricks and mind games we play on ourselves that keep us from getting what we want. At least, I haven’t met a single creative type who doesn’t. This exercise has taught me one thing: at no time are your Gremlin or Demon voices louder than when you’re trying to be crystal clear about your goals and values.  I’m talking about every nasty thing that was ever said to you by a teacher, a parent, a mentor, a friend, or a shitty ex-coworker, and every insecurity and fear you posses, on a loop.

I can’t tell you that I’ve shut them up, but I’ve pushed through and at least written this stuff down, for my own reference. By sharing it here, I am hoping it will help others who are struggling and provide myself with some kind of culpability. It isn’t enough though, to just write down a list of values. In acting you learn to move your character through a story by using active verbs. We use the sentence structure: "I (active verb)" you can't just fill in the blank with the verb "to be." Let's say my value is courage, I can't just go out and BE courageous. The question I had to ask myself when making this list is, how is that achieved?

Value: Bravery

Verb: dare

If Brenè Brown is right, and she usually is, there is no way to show up and be seen (creatively) and not get your ass kicked. It is a consequence of being brave and not avoidable.  You can choose courage, or you can choose comfort: you cannot have both.

Value: Tenacity

Verb: resolve

I know I can get back up when I’ve been knocked down. There have been times in my life when I feel like I did it every single day. But, I’ve spent too much of my life living in anger and resentment because I didn’t have the skills to set and maintain firm boundaries. Tenacity, for me is about giving up perfectionism, pleasing others, and approval seeking. Yes, part of that is just how I’m made, but it can and does become detrimental to me achieving what I need to achieve for myself. Here’s the absolute truth about some people, they will take everything you have to give and perpetually ask for more. These people won’t set or maintain boundaries, so you have to.  

Value: Vitality

Verb :  animate

This is where the fitness freak comes in. I’d like to live a long healthy life, but I can only try to create a lifestyle in which that’s possible. I cannot be guaranteed the outcome. So, for as long as I am here, I’d like to be able to do as much as I’m capable of doing. This one isn’t only physical. It’s about moving forward, and seeing what is out there. As a natural born introvert I tend towards shyness, and I don’t expect that to change, but I cannot allow discomfort to keep me from trying new things.

Value: Curiosity

Verb: learn

This one comes naturally to me, and I hope I never lose it. Adult life has a way of trying to beat curiosity out of you and supplant it with what society and industry want you to think. I struggled to find the right wording here: wisdom, knowledge, education are actually outcomes of learning, which is – or should be – born of curiosity.

Value: Creativity  

Verb: initiate

All forms of art have some kind of rumination/percolation period involved in them, but eventually you just have to show up and do it.  Inspiration is such a capricious and random thing. Your job as an artist is to hone the skills required to be ready when it strikes. This may mean you make a lot of bad art in the process, but doing so is the only way of improving the outcome.

Value: Empathy

Verb: listen

At times I can be a prickly bundle of neuroses, and insecurity, waiting for any provocation to strike.I said it before, I've wasted a lot of energy on anger and resentment. Like a lot of people I think this is because I fail to listen and ask questions before I jump to conclusions and start talking. Kindness isn’t about being a pushover either; you can be kind and firm: see also, setting and maintaining boundaries. I was on the verge of writing compassion, and kindness as separate values, when I realized both were born of empathy and are actually verbs. Love for others isn’t a value either, it’s a verb. It is possibly THE verb: the reason we’re here.

Value: Authenticity

Verb: release

This one is about accepting who I am, how I’m made, and “keeping two eyes on my own paper.” As far as anyone has been able to prove, we only get one life, and our time here is extremely short. Authenticity isn’t about being a special little snowflake; it’s about avoiding comparison and staying on your own path. It is the polar opposite perfectionism and seeking approval, but mostly it’s about letting go: of who I think I’m supposed to be, of trying to control everything, of other people’s expectations, of societal pressures that are just, “so not me.”

A note on vitality, creativity, and empathy: none of these are possible if I’m an unfocused bundle of Cortisol and Adrenalin. I spent a good majority of my life, thus far, with diagnosed ADHD, it’s just the way my brain is made: I have to move to think.  If I don’t work out, none of the three are achievable on any level.

This is not a complete list, the verbs I used may not be perfect, and at first glance it looks pretty self eccentric, but, as I sit here banging away at my keyboard, I wonder how many adults have actually made this list. I wonder, what would happen if we all got clear on exactly what our values were, not what we’ve been brought up to believe they should be, but what they actually are.

So, is gratitude a value or a verb? Or is it both? If you feel inclined share your own list below. 

Part two coming soon: those pesky little consequences.