Last night I was back in the gym for the first time in ten days, following a previous hiatus of ten days: basically I've been twice since before Easter in the hopes that I might finally kick this nasty cold once and for all. It was easy to take the time off because I haven't been terribly motivated to go after what seems like months without seeing any significant results. So, a diet reboot is already underway, and even if last night's workout sucked, I can file it under "I went."
But the problem really wasn't just a cold, or a lack of motivation, or even lack of results. My self-esteem is at a near all time low right now, and I've been hiding myself - sometimes literally - in the basement huddled in front of my iPad for most of the past...well, five years, if I'm being completely honest. I write and don't send things out, or I write and then edit what I've written into oblivion, or I just don't write at all. I also haven't been cooking other than the minimum required to put meals on the table, nor have I been working on any soap projects, or any other projects for that matter. What can I say, it's been a rough winter, but I know how to combat the winter blues and I haven't been doing that either.
I have ADHD/ADD, which means I have to be organized and structured, and I need a distraction free environment in order to function. But when push come to shove, I refuse to do the work to keep things organized and structured, or to set the boundaries necessary to have a distraction free space. This is in part because I am feeling low and unmotivated, but also because that kind of strict organization and structure feels like a damn straight jacket.
Trick is, I'm actually really good at setting up deadlines and schedules, I'm even pretty good at following them when there is a concrete immediate consequence, like say, dinner will be late and I might have to skip the gym. However; when the consequence is less concrete like my future unhappiness, or potential of regret, it's really hard for me to remain disciplined. And, when I don't meet my deadlines, it's too easy to blame other people - and their interruptions - for my own lack of discipline. But the hard truth is, I've engineered and participated in every decision that has led me to this tiny, invisible, fearful life: and it has to stop!
Yes, I am an introvert by nature, but what I dream of, if I'm being honest, is writing about food and cooking, and teaching others to cook. I know, that is a really big ask in a world where Food Network and Cooking Channel broadcast 24/7, and every kind of take-out is only a click away, and every B-list celebrity is suddenly a cookbook author, but I still believe it's possible. And when it comes to all that other noise, I know with every cell of my body that cooking for yourself is the only sustainable way to a longer, healthy, high quality, life, and I know that people are losing these very vital skills. And, I know that shows like Chopped Up, Cake Commandos, and Muffin Wars aren't going to get the job done. No matter what the results, I cannot do what I want to do if I'm going to hide in a basement, not writing, and not doing.
I am an approval seeker: Hello, writer! That desire will probably always be there, but I've too often allowed wanting to please others to be detrimental to myself, my needs, and even my mental and physical health. I think I've finally come to a point where I can say, NO MORE. I care what others think, as human beings we are programmed to do so, but the possibility of disapproval can no longer be an impediment to my own progress. I often tell people that acting and performing are different than writing in one key way: if someone thinks Hamlet is a shitty play, even if you're an actor playing Hamlet, it's still Will Shakespeare's shitty play, but when your the writer, that's YOU on the page.
But, even if I start out writing a post that seems ostensibly about working out, which turns into me working through some issues, I still have to keep writing with the knowledge that someone is going to think it's a crappy waste of their time to read it. And as far as teaching goes, I have enough acting and performance training to fake being an extrovert when needed, but when I'm engaged and passionate about a subject I know well, just try and shut me up. What I really need right now, is bravery, and a little bit of discipline.
Veggie Ramen with Kimchi and Tofu for dinner...
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