The writing assignment was “Your Pet Peeve,” so here it is
in 700 words more or less…I hope it will resonate with some of you.
I am always going to be the creative, introverted, over
curious, over sensitive, “not so good at real life,” type. Generally, I’m ok with
that, in fact since I don’t know how else to be, I’m rather fond of it! BUT, I
deeply resent having it shoved in my face to justify someone treating me like
I’m some lesser form of broken, or incomplete human: not quite a real adult. I
am tired of never measuring up because I was not made to work in a cubicle, and
drive my safe SUV to my McMansion, in my safe little suburb. I have never
received a blue print for, nor do I have the skills to build, that sort of
life: even if I wanted it. There is nothing wrong with that choice, but it’s
not the only valid choice! I’m not going to devolve into criticizing someone
else’s path just because I’m biologically hardwired to reject that path.
Security, and stability are important, and human beings co-evolved to reward conformity.
These are facts, I get it!
I am not some overindulged child playing an elaborate game
of make believe and finger painting. I work very hard, I wrestle frequently with
the kind of thoughts and ideas that cause most of the population to bury their
heads in the television. When I sit down to work, every one of my demons is
there waiting for me, and I have to push my way through the crowd, make space
in a shit-storm of fear, insecurity, and shame, sit down in all that noise, and
do my job. I do hard things, and I am brave, every single day, with no promise
of a positive outcome, or payoff. I have maintained a marriage for twenty-five
years, and anyone who’s been married for five months knows that’s not easy.
When I say I’ll do something, I will do it. Every. time. I am ALWAYS the person who steps up – and
cleans up – when the shit hits the fan. I have a lot of responsibilities, that
I take too seriously. I make choices based on my values, not because of some
promise of a reward in this world or beyond. That’s what adults do.
In other-words: I adult harder than most nine to fivers do
before they’ve finished their morning commute. I am completely, and totally
responsible for my success, or failure. There is nowhere to pass the buck. I am
the boss, accounting, shipping, sales, production, and the guy who cleans the
toilets. This is not a game, and I am not playing!
I respect and am grateful for the freedom I have, but others
are only too happy to claw greedily at my time because they perceive it has no
value. Their excuse is always the same: I don’t have to show up at work from
nine to five, therefore I can work anytime. Let me tell you right now, so there
isn’t any doubt. NO, I can’t. By the time I deal with feeding cats, scooping
litter, making breakfasts, packing lunches, and putting out whatever fires need
extinguishing, all I want to do is deposit a penny in my savings account, and
think about what I’m going to order at Milliways. Douglas Adams references aside,
I am not quick to focus on non-urgent tasks, and I have ADHD which makes me
alternatively hyper-focused and unable to focus at all. I survive using
structure, and discipline, both of which require strict boundaries on time.
I like pleasing people – hello, Chef and Writer – I get a
great deal of fulfillment from earning approval, but, I have learned that I
cannot rely on others to set boundaries. That’s why I’m such a prick about
time, and not over-committing myself in any aspect of my life. I realize it
means I have to say no a lot, and I realize people don’t like to hear me say
no…a lot. I truly value my friends and family, and the time I spend with them.
I cannot be fully present and enjoy the people I care about if I’m resentful,
hurt, frustrated, or worried that I am not getting anything done on the work I
feel I was put here to do. So, if I do something for you, or with you, it is
because I chose to do it. I do not owe it to you! You do not get to discount
the value of that choice because it didn’t take time away from my “Job.”
It did!
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