I am struggling. I am NOT OK. I am only functioning because I do not know what else to do. So I put one foot in front of the other, make meals, do my chores, go to the gym, but it all feels like work. I can't fall asleep at night, and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing everything I am not. I am tired of rehashing every mistake I've ever made, and every unpleasant thing that's happened to me in my life. I'm tired of feeling angry, or hurt, or numb, and I'm tired of pretending everything is OK. I'm tired of hoping that if I try harder, or if I'm just a little bit more patient, things will be OK again.
I just thought if I wrote it down, let people know the truth, I might just find the courage to let it go, move on, and stop waiting for things to change.
Meanwhile: toast with peanut butter and too much jam; a sleeping pill; collect the kitties; bed.
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This message might seem to contradict what I've been writing about fitness and food, but I still believe that any treatment of depression must involve good nutrition and exercise and I am continuing to pursue that, in fact, it is now absolutely paramount that I stay active and eat well. It is a priority and if other things suffer because of it, so be it. It has become time, however; when I must finally admit that some medication, at least in the short term, is needed before I compromise all the work I have already done.
I had a crappy workout on the day that I posted the above comment because I was unable to get out of my own head and focus on what I was doing. I have since then had one of the better arm workouts that I've had in months because I decided to just see what I could do by focusing on form and less about reps and weight. I actually lifted more, with better form. The lesson is, a good workout is all in your head: or, in my head.
OK so, that's not news. But what are some things I can do to help me - and you - focus before and during a workout? The answer keeps coming back to something I dread: meditation.
I suck at meditation.
I am still researching this, so I'll start with just one meditation exercise and see how it goes. This is more of an active meditation so I'm hopeful it will work for me.
To begin, sit in a neutral comfortable position. Close your eyes breath slowly and deeply from the abdomen. On the inhale flex - or tighten - only the muscle, or muscle group, you're planning to exercise during the workout. Eg. your chest and lateral, arms and shoulders, legs and lower back. Focus on relaxing these muscles on the exhale. Do this for five minutes before stretching those muscles and beginning your workout.
Tonight is a night off from the gym, so I'll post how well this is working in the comments below. If you have any meditative exercises that help you. Feel free to post them below.
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