Reflections on Orlando

The odds of each of us being born at all are 1: 400,000,000,000,000. For those, like me, who aren’t adept at large numbers that’s one in four-hundred trillion. As if those odds aren’t mind blowing enough, there are some mathematicians who believe that to be a conservative number and is more accurately 1: 700,000,000,000 (one in seven-hundred trillion.) But why quibble about three-hundred trillion here, or there? To put this into perspective, your odds of being hit by lightning this calendar year are 1: 960,000 (one in nine-hundred- sixty thousand) and your odd of winning the Powerball (lottery) 1: 292,000,000 (one in two-hundred ninety-two million.) The odds of dying by electrocution are a mere 1: 1,000,000 (one in one million) and your chances of being hit by a car only 1: 47,273 (one in forty-seven thousand four hundred and seventy-three.)

So, why am I hitting you over the head with statistics? I wanted indisputable proof of the rarity and value of every single one the fifty lives that were violently taken away in Orlando last Sunday morning. Not just because I say human life has value, or society does, or the church, or some guy on the news does, but, because the odds of being born at all are so great we can’t deny our own value. So in case you didn’t get it, in this universe the chance that there is a you, at all, is one in four-hundred trillion. That number doesn’t change if your fat or thin, young or old, pretty or ugly, gay, straight, transgendered, Atheist, Christian, Muslim, Jew, brown, black, white, pink, crazy or sane, or anything else I failed to name. You are one in four-hundred trillion. 

Here’s the thing; it’s easy to blame. The trouble is, blame only functions to discharge pain and discomfort. Once the initial relief fades we’re left with a hangover of impotence, and fear, and even more anger and sorrow, and the cycle repeats. Blame cannot, does not, will never, solve or improve anything. I want you, if you can, to tweeze some mental space between fault and blame. There can be no doubt that the gunman is at fault here. He, and no one else, purchased a weapon and ammunition, got into his vehicle, drove to Pulse nightclub, and began shooting. The question I have to ask is, are Muslims really to blame? Is religion? How about gun laws or our current administration? Are they to blame? Fault lies with the individual or group who perpetrated the act of violence, blame is what WE do to discharge our anger, fear, and sorrow.

Blame feels really good, and it can even be used to create the illusion of solidarity. I could, and have, spent entire days crying, shaking, and pounding away at my keyboard, writing every single pain fueled word I could about everything I think is wrong with this world; every group and lawmaker who has contributed to this event, every social construct, race, religion, political party I could aim my pain and frustration at. And then, when I was emotionally spent, I reached for the top right hand side of my computer keyboard and pressed delete, because it does not serve anyone. It does not serve any of the fifty lives lost, the fifty-three people injured and fighting for their lives, nor their families, friends, and loved ones. It does not serve any of us, unless it is our intention to go on screaming, and doing nothing. The trouble with blame is, when we’re done screaming, shaking our fists, and decrying everyone under the sun, we’re still left with blood on our hands. So, like Lady Macbeth, we have to keep repeating the behavior, and getting the same unsatisfactory results. If you don’t know the story, here’s a hit, it doesn’t end well.

Before I go any further, let me state emphatically, I am just a dude, with a brain, and a keyboard. There are many things about the world, the law, legislation, politics, and the psychology of trauma, that I just do not, probably will not, ever understand. I have no earthly idea how we move on from this, I only know that move on is what we must do. So, I’m going to put my ideas out there anyway, because it’s not only a benefit of living in a free country, it’s our responsibility.

I don’t like that we’ve labeled this an act of terrorism. There is an element of terrorist acts that is deliberately anonymous, they are not concerned with who they kill, only that they kill as many people as possible, as visibly as possible. This man didn’t shoot up a church, a shopping mall, a school, a night club patronized by heterosexuals, or an all-night vegan gluten free deli. He went to well-known gay night club with the intent to kill, injure, and scare as many LGBT people as possible. That, is a hate crime. I’m not attempting to deny that terrorism is fueled by hate, but this was targeted towards a very specific group of people, not a broad spectrum of people. Make sense? Calling this an act of terrorism distracts attention away from the group that was targeted and only serves to drive the “us versus them” paradigm that we’ve been living under for far too long.

We, each of us, needs to stop buying into the idea that we can never be safe enough, secure enough, rich enough, thin enough, diligent enough, promoted enough, just, never enough. It’s called the culture of scarcity and it drives us to constantly look in our neighbor’s backyard to see if they have more than we do, or at least, more than we think they deserve. It feeds directly into the us versus them mentality, and validates whatever behavior is necessary to do and get more, even at the expense of the only planet we’ve got, and human lives. The culture of scarcity has trained us to be reactionary consumers, and not citizens. 

When we abandon the idea that there is never enough, we see that we can help mankind abroad and those struggling at home. We can have gun control, and responsible gun ownership. We can get to the mentally ill, and help them, before they take up arms against other humans. We can raise generations of kids without gang violence, drugs, addiction, starvation, and homelessness, because in a world where we are enough, no one is allowed to slip through the cracks. If we are enough, we can have our beliefs and hold respect for the beliefs, and non-beliefs, of others. We can extend our understanding to people who live, and love differently than we do. If we are enough, everyone can have equal rights without anyone’s rights being diminished. We can finally fulfill the idea this country was founded on, and live equal lives, with equal opportunities: one in four-hundred thousand.

Anti-Ageism Bear

Stop thinking of yourself as old!

I live with my husband and his parents who are both over sixty-five, my siblings are in their late fifties and early sixties, and I’m a heck of a lot closer to fifty than I am to forty: the topic of aging comes up often in my life. Lately, I’ve noticed that my parents are healthier, and more vital, engaged, and active than people who are ten years younger. I won't say how old they are, because I'm a gentleman, but I will say that on a survey they have to check the box that reads seventy-five, and then there is no number after the dash.

While I'm grateful to share their genetics, there's always something I can still learn from Mom and Dad. The chief differences I've noticed are that they are active, they eat well (home cooked, real food) and I almost never hear them refer to themselves as old. Sure, they have some health issues, and they spend some time in the doctor’s office, but, when the subject of age comes up, I only hear them speak of how they must do things differently now, never how they cannot do something because of their age. It's just not an impediment, even on the occasion that it does present itself as an obstacle.

I was curious to see if there was something to the old saying “you’re as old as you think you are.” So, armed with nothing more and an index finger and internet access, I dove in. And guess what? Several well respected studies have been done on the subject and it turns out your attitude about aging significantly affects your mental, physical, and cognitive health and longevity. In other words, if you buy into the ageist crap society is dishing out, it's curtains for all those great things you're going to do "once you retire."

               “He who is of a calm and happy nature will hardly feel the pressure of age, but to him who is of the opposite disposition, youth and age are equally a burden.” Plato

Researchers in US and UK have found that older individuals with more positive self-perceptions of aging lived seven and a half years longer than those with less positive self-perceptions of aging. This advantage remained constant after gender, socioeconomic status, and functional health were included as covariates. So why should you care? The participants in one study were surveyed at age forty, and subjected to metabolic, cognitive, and health screening yearly starting at the age of seventy-three. For those not so good that math, their prejudices about aging when they were forty had an effect on how well they aged twenty-three years later.

In the Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging [BLSA] participants who had strong negative prejudices about aging at forty, showed a marked decrease in the volume of their Hippocampus when they were scanned at sixty-eight years of age. Loss of volume in the hippocampus is indicative of dementia, Alzheimer's, and major depressive disorders. Those with a negative perception of aging, who strongly agreed with statements like "older people are absent minded," and "older people have trouble learning new things," had three times greater loss in hippocampus volume than their more positive thinking cohorts. That is equivalent to nine years of volume loss over the course of three years of the participant’s life span.

               “Here’s a secret I never have told. Maybe you’ll understand why. I believe if I refuse to grow old, I can stay young until I die.” Pippin – No Time at All

Of course, the issue isn’t as simple as practicing a positive or negative attitude. There are elements to aging which we cannot control, but here again your psychological make-up determines how you react to illness and loss of function. One of the cofactors is how frequently a participant experiences negative self-perceptions surrounding aging. Those who were chronically aware of aging, and its perceived negative effects, fair far worse than those who were only cyclically aware of the same themes.

The real consequences of our prejudices and self-perceptions surrounding aging is that these things underpin the choices we make. Whether, for instance, we remain physically active, participate in social groups, eat well, and continue to learn throughout our life is determined by our perception of aging and its meaning. If we internalize the idea that aging means we lose physical strength, we are less likely to workout. If we preconceive that aging means a loss of memory, we don’t develop tools to help us keep our independence or engage in practices that help us retain our memory. It’s all related to something called Leventhal’s Self-Regulation Model which was originally applied to impulse control, management of short term desires, managing cognitive bias, goal attainment and (psychological) illness behaviors. It works by guiding thoughts, behaviors, and feelings to reach a specified goal: basically, your perception or “self-perception” of your ability to attain a specified goal is indicative of your chances of achieving that goal. Leventhal originally studied people’s perception of illness as a stressor on health, future studies such as the BLSA focus on prejudices of age as a stressor on longevity. Repeatedly these studies found that your thoughts predetermined your actions which had direct effects on your health, wellbeing and longevity. Not surprisingly, whether participants viewed the negative effects of aging as inevitable or something they could influence had an effect on their behavior and therefore produced better results in metabolic and cognitive testing. In other words, just holding to the belief that they could have an effect on their health and wellbeing as they aged directly translated to participants being healthier, more able, and happier.

Four metrics emerged from the research that were indicative of achieving an advanced age, with good physical and mental health. They were: continued physical activity, positive mental outlook, continued learning and memory development, and – bad news introverts – regular participation in social groups. Physical activity and diet played the most primary role of the four metrics, but participants with physical limitations who engaged in learning new things and regularly challenged their mental faculties with puzzles, crosswords, Sudoku, card games, performed significantly better in cognitive tests than those who were, for lack of a better term, physically and intellectually sedentary. The participants who stood out most among their peers, had a positive outlook, and regularly participated in activities that fulfilled the remaining three categories including those with physical limitations who, “did as much as they could.”

"Aging is not lost youth but a new stage of opportunity and strength." Betty Friedan

The worldwide population of individuals over the age of sixty is rising, from 8% in 1950 to 10% in 2000, and is estimated to reach 21% by 2050. I plan to be in my eighties by then. I hope by that time we are all able to ditch the stigma of ageism and recognize it as an exciting new stage in our development, not without its difficulties and challenges but because of them, and, because of the self-acceptance, honesty, strength, and wisdom we develop with each passing year. I hope, by then, that I am able to face my own aging with kindness, laughter, and gratitude.

Bear Homily

So, somehow, I’m back here: back to feeling pissed off – or at least aggravated – all of the time. I want to hide in my bedroom, “my cave,” and I find myself wanting to bite people’s heads off when I see them coming. My sleep schedule is out of whack, and I don’t have any enthusiasm for the things that I know I should be doing to make myself happy. I go to the gym feeling resentful that I have to do so much extra work just to keep my mind and body functioning well enough to do the things I actually want to do with my time like writing, and cooking. While I’m there I feel stuck and frustrated – largely due to my own vanity - and I leave feeling unsatisfied even if I’ve had a good workout despite my crappy attitude.

I haven’t been able to decide if I just need an attitude adjustment, or my general irritation is a side effect of being forty-seven: I just don’t have time for crap that gets in the way of doing what I know I should be doing to make full use of the time I have left. I guess that makes me selfish, and if it does, I’m OK with that. Still, I’m struggling to accept that this is the path I’ve chosen in order to deal with my depressive episodes, and ADHD spectrum brain. It works, and it’s consistent with my values, the fact that I have to do things I don’t want to do when I don’t FEEL like doing them, is just a consequence of that choice. I get it, but none of that makes it easy.

Thing is, I love my brain. No really! It has got some bugs in the hardware, but it does some pretty amazing stuff. And, let’s be honest here: it’s the only one I’ve got, so naturally I’m rather fond of it. In fact, I much prefer my brain to a “normal” or “average” one even when it’s being a dick, and trying to convince me that life, the universe, and everything sucks, and is always going to suck. I have episodes of wishing my brain worked differently, but I don’t subscribe wholly to the illness/deficit model for ADHD either. Our brains can get sick, episodically, chronically, or terminally, just like any other organ in our body, however, when it comes to ADHD I’m married to the idea that my brain functions how it functions, and I am better served working with it than fighting it, or medicating it. Medication is not completely out of the question, nor is it an invalid choice. If it becomes necessary, I have no guilt or internalized stigma in taking it, but I would prefer to avoid it. In general, I don’t like taking systemic medications for any condition that can be managed in another way because (in this case) your brain isn’t the only organ in your body that receives the medication, so does your cardiovascular system, kidneys, liver, etc.

In my world view, we are a walking bag of chemicals, bones, and organs, so sophisticated that we have emotions, and reason. We can remember the past, and project our thoughts forward into the future to predict the outcomes of our behavior. We can love others, and believe things so fiercely we are willing to die for them. Isn’t that amazing? Our brains – The Mother Ship – hold everything we are, every memory, thought, and breath: our complete understanding of reality, our ability to dream of something beyond what we know, and our ability to create new things that have never existed before. The brain inside my head, and the one in yours too, is made up from my genetics, learned behavior, and habits I created myself. The question of nature or nurture is a waste of time, the answer in most cases is yes, and both. It may sound counter intuitive to those of faith, but the idea that there is nothing else, that we cease to exist when we die, IS what gets me out of bed in the morning. If this is all there is, then I better make it a good’ne! Not to put too fine a point on it, but it’s the reason I didn’t end my life more than a decade ago when I was suffering from a major bout of clinical depression: death offered no relief, only annihilation. Fortunately, I had enough will to live, or blind stubbornness, to keep taking the meds. and going to therapy. By the way, you will never hear me apologize for being stubborn, it’s only a label people give to tenacity when they don’t agree with you.

For the record, I do not identify myself as an atheist, non-theist, or even agnostic: these labels only tell you what I am not. What I am is, a secular humanist, meaning we decide what is sacred, and holy, and worthy of our worship, and that doesn’t make it any less valid. Community is important, faith is important to those who have it, and we are hardwired for connection, ritual, and story. Faith, and religion, are rich sources of all three. It’s in our DNA, it’s how our ancestors survived in tribal times, and it continues to serve us well – most of the time – today. I personally don’t need the construct of a god – or several – to share a sense of wonder and awe in the universe, or to give meaning to the things I am not capable of understanding. The very best and the very worst in all of us, is driven by our unique mental abilities, and our biology. We are the sum of the stories we write by our choices as individuals, and as a society. It is the story that goes on after we are gone, and it is all the result of being a human animal: exquisite, and flawed.

How exactly a journal article about my cranky mood turns into a discussion of faith, or that lack of it, I’m only beginning to figure out. This week I’ve been forced to check in with all the crap that’s going on in my head, and do the work to reevaluate my thinking. By check in, I mean, ask myself how much of my thinking is evidence based, and how much of it is a story that I’m making up about a situation, or individuals, that I cannot change. It’s an ongoing process. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I’ve been kind of “half-assing” my mindfulness meditations lately, (yes, I know that’s not really a verb) and it is definitely time to change techniques, or at least reinvest some energy into the practice. So, here is where the whole thing begins to come together: in the absence of a prescribed faith or prayer, I must deliberately and regularly be sure that my behavior is consistent with my values, and ideals, and not allow others to force me to act in ways that contradict those values. The price of that concession is my unhappiness. I have to create rituals for myself, and I must live in my story so that I'm not be distracted by my own desire to know how it will end. If I can do all that, and there remains a consequence to living the life I want to live, I simply need to be prepared to welcome it in.