Bears, Fish, and Water

I've spent what feels like a lifetime trying not to think too much, worry too much, stress too much. I've tried exercise, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, anti-anxiety medications, and cognitive behavioral therapy, and still I have physiological symptoms of stress. 

As much as I HAVE to get a handle on this, I think the one thing I can immediately let go of, is being stressed out about how often, and how intensely, I am stressed out.  What if I'm just a person who worries? Is that so terrible? What if it is simply where I am in life right now? What if I just accepted it? No internal, or external, judgement required. That, is a change I can make today. 

Yes, of course I'm going to continue with the exercise, yoga, mindfulness meditation, and CBT techniques I've learned, but I can also just let those worried and anxious thoughts be there. I don't have to engage with them, I don't need to add to them, just let them be present: like water to a fish. 

Bear Funk

Day four of this low grade headache. All I want to do is eat and huddle under a blanket.  I don't really feel like cooking, which isn't me at all, and the tea cannot be strong enough. Very little has gotten done all week. Don't get me wrong, I made meals and cleaned up. I dithered around with the laundry, packed lunches, and went with hubby to work so I could have private writing time in the library, not that I did any writing. The cats got fed, email got checked, bills got paid, etc. But on a comparative scale, nothing got done. 

I know what this is, and it's more than just a January Funk, it's depression doing it's best to knock me to the floor, and I'm doing my best to fight it. Thing is, I like winter with it's stark beauty and cold temperatures. I like the way the seasons give shape to life, even if that means the sun is hard to find in the grey sky. I like sweaters, coats, and blankets. I like gloves, scarves, and long-underwear. So isn't the weather, but it could be the low levels of sunlight.

There are other factors and real stressors in play here. My extended family lost one member in early November, and a second is in hospice care. While the celebrity deaths that have occurred recently are in no way comparable, added to the loss of two mentor/parental figures from my drum corps days, they have been weighing heavily on my mind. We are here for such a short time and I, in equal proportion, don't want to do anything at all, and don't want to waste another second of my time. 

So, stage one of the prescription: take a double dose of my multivitamin, (B12/D complex) get dressed, and go for a walk - freezing cold or not. Stage two: eat as healthfully as possible and don't worry about how often. Stage three: celebrate every small accomplishment like it's a big victory. Stage four: add four minutes of tanning time to my gym routine to help with Vitamin D absorption, and a few minutes in the sauna couldn't hurt. 

And repeat.