Depression, Medication, and Meditation

A couple of day's ago I posted the following to my Facebook account, and was overwhelmed by the response:

I am struggling. I am NOT OK. I am only functioning because I do not know what else to do. So I put one foot in front of the other, make meals, do my chores, go to the gym, but it all feels like work. I can't fall asleep at night, and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing everything I am not. I am tired of rehashing every mistake I've ever made, and every unpleasant thing that's happened to me in my life. I'm tired of feeling angry, or hurt, or numb, and I'm tired of pretending everything is OK. I'm tired of hoping that if I try harder, or if I'm just a little bit more patient, things will be OK again.

I just thought if I wrote it down, let people know the truth, I might just find the courage to let it go, move on, and stop waiting for things to change.

Meanwhile: toast with peanut butter and too much jam; a sleeping pill; collect the kitties; bed.

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This message might seem to contradict what I've been writing about fitness and food, but I still believe that any treatment of depression must involve good nutrition and exercise and I am continuing to pursue that, in fact, it is now absolutely paramount that I stay active and eat well. It is a priority and if other things suffer because of it, so be it. It has become time, however; when I must finally admit that some medication, at least in the short term, is needed before I compromise all the work I have already done.

I had a crappy workout on the day that I posted the above comment because I was unable to get out of my own head and focus on what I was doing. I have since then had one of the better arm workouts that I've had in months because I decided to just see what I could do by focusing on form and less about reps and weight. I actually lifted more, with better form. The lesson is, a good workout is all in your head: or, in my head.

OK so, that's not news. But what are some things I can do to help me - and you - focus before and during a workout? The answer keeps coming back to something I dread: meditation.

I suck at meditation.

I am still researching this, so I'll start with just one meditation exercise and see how it goes. This is more of an active meditation so I'm hopeful it will work for me.

To begin, sit in a neutral comfortable position. Close your eyes breath slowly and deeply from the abdomen. On the inhale flex - or tighten - only the muscle, or muscle group, you're planning to exercise during the workout. Eg. your chest and lateral, arms and shoulders, legs and lower back. Focus on relaxing these muscles on the exhale. Do this for five minutes before stretching those muscles and beginning your workout.

Tonight is a night off from the gym, so I'll post how well this is working in the comments below. If you have any meditative exercises that help you. Feel free to post them below.

Time Managements and Herding Cats

This was the first full week of the new year, and therefore the first full week on my revamped gym routine. You'll remember that one of my resolutions was to add two intense cardio session per week. Last night's cardio session (number two) was rough, and today...well, today I am feeling old. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Yes, I'm physically fatigued and I have some generalized soreness, but I also lack the ambition of youth. In other words: I am wise enough to take my scheduled night off, and rest.

Speaking of schedules; time is a sticky subject whenever you start talking about working out and eating well. As adults we find ourselves with escalating responsibilities and demands, and less, and less, time for ourselves. I get it. I am the stay at home caregiver for my husband and his parents, none of which are completely dependent on my care to survive. Other than a couple of regular limitations, I have an open schedule, and even I find it hard to get all the time I want to dedicate to preparing great food, and going to the gym. If I'm going to achieve all the things I must, and want, to achieve in a day, I find I have to really stingy with my time. At times, it can feel a little bit more like a regimen than a life. And at times, it is more like "literally" herding cats. Did I mention we now have three?

I don't pretend to have any answers here. I do know that if it's a priority - and it should be - adults will somehow make the time. I manage my time in blocks, which requires a level of discipline that I can only manage part of the time. I try to be realistic in what I can achieve in a day, as well as with how long it will actually take to complete each task. For example: I commonly plan between two and three hours for dinner. This block of time is representative of how long it really takes to  prepare, eat, and clean-up after the evening meal. There are opportunities within that block to be flexible, and to overlap other tasks, but blocking time helps me shape my expectations. It also helps me to say no to all of those distractions and interruptions that are always there to take up all your time, and ask for more. Even as I write that, there is a voice in my head laughing hysterically. There are plenty of days that my schedule ends up being little more than a laughable delusion, but many more - I hope - that this planning, and time blocking, actually works.

Some navigate the time requirements of working out and eating well by adhering to a rigorous routine: getting up at the same time every day, eating a regular but small repertoire of meals, working out at the same time, following the same circuit etc. I think it's more important to the process that each individual have a system of time management than to dictate what that system should be. We must all be prepared to change our time management system if it fails to help us accomplish our goals.

Suppliments, Six Packs, and Stupid

I am tired of the six pack-ab being the picture of health. As much as I like being fit, and even working out, you really can't tell much about a person's health by their physique. The only thing that visible ab muscles is indicative of, is low body fat. There is significant research out there to suggest that it is, in fact, indicative of too low body fat for most individuals who's metabolisms don't naturally gravitate towards lower levels of body fat. The rest of us are meant to be just a little more lush, with enough protective padding to sustain us when we're ill, fatigued, or under stress.

The inspiration for this rant was a locker room conversation I overheard yesterday through the vents in the sauna. Eavesdropping at the gym is admittedly bad form, but sometimes people talk loud enough that you can't NOT hear them. And anyway, it's not like I'm naming names. The two guys in question are approximately 25ish, cut, ripped, torn, whatever vernacular you want to use, and they were talking about nutrition. Naturally I was intrigued.

What they were really talking about was lean chicken and turkey breast, protein shakes, pre and post workout supplements, creatine boosters, herbal anabolic boosters, and energy drinks. It's difficult to sound like a dude when your diet resembles that of a starving supermodel. Seeing as I've also witnessed both of them standing outside the door of the gym smoking, it isn't a stretch of the imagination to conclude that what these two live on is a diet of supplements, stimulants, and nicotine with a few bits of food thrown in on "cheat days" so that their digestive tracts don't atrophy completely.

Does that sound like a health to you?

Yet, year after year, the exercise and diet industry makes billions, if not trillions, of dollars on selling products to us, and to these two young muscle-heads, to achieve or maintain a body that most of us just, shouldn't, have. And, I will add, wouldn't expect to have if it weren't for the multi-billion dollar nutraceutical industries. This is not better living through chemistry, it's hooking up a mainline between the factory and our bloodstream.

Yes, I am angry - even outraged - but not for the reasons one might initially suspect. Yes, I'm a forty five year old macro, but that doesn't mean I am jealous of their youth or physique. I am a reasonable person, and I know that some people just naturally retain less body fat than others, and when those people exercise they have a difficult time gaining muscle. There are also those of us who could workout to exhaustion every single day of our lives and never have a waist measurement lower than thirty six inches. My anger stems from the fact that there are millions of people spending billions of dollars in the hopes of achieving unrealistic results, that may only be achievable for a very short period of time by tricking your body with a long list of chemicals. And, when the trick stops working, your left with the choice of either raising the stakes or finding a new trick. You are exactly where the makers of those chemicals want you, dependent on them.

The only way to achieve life long health, fitness, flexibility and balance, is to listen to, and work with your body. It is not the enemy, it is you! Chemicals that produce immediate results, will not produce long lasting results. And, finally, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

This isn't rocket science.

Does Sleepwalking Count as Cardio?

So, here I sit with my iPad trying to tap out something meaningful, and finding myself lacking the drive. I think it is finally time to admit I am still in holiday hangover mode. I've been having trouble falling asleep, and once I am, well, we'll just say have the freedom to stay in bed much longer than I should.

Sometimes life isn't fair. I am in the best shape I have been in for years, but that means the differential between my shoulders and hips is even greater, which means I  can't seem to get comfortable in my usual sleeping positions. When I do try a new position, every cell of my body keeps telling me "this is not the favored position for falling asleep." Having difficulty sleeping hardly seems like a great payoff for all the work it has taken to get here.

Boohoo. I guess I'll work through it. I wouldn't go back now anyway.

Tonight is my first intense cardio session of the new year. I am looking forward to it, or rather, I am looking forward to how I know I'm going to feel afterwards. It should be interesting considering my iPod is loaded with nothing but Christmas music. Reloading it, with upbeat songs more appropriate for the gym, was on my agenda for today, but got skipped so I could stay in bed just a little longer. Oh well, procrastination is the mother of necessity, or something like that. I guess I'll get to it tomorrow. With the temperatures in the single digits, and a windchill warning on its way, I am also very much looking forward to climbing into the sauna after my workout.

And speaking of holiday hangovers, I discovered - I just got on the scale - that I have put on three pounds over the holidays. This is neither surprising, nor a big deal: it just is. I think I have finally learned my lesson as far as holiday stress goes too. It is just too costly to push myself trying to make everyone else happy, when I could do just a little bit less, and still have time to take care of myself. I have also come to realize that 90% of the expectation is in my own head. And, since I'm the one doing the lion's share of the work, I should just go ahead and do what I want. There is a decent chance that no one is going to notice the difference.

Depression and The Body

I came across the following article when a friend of mine posted the link below on Facebook:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/04/depression-allergic-reaction-inflammation-immune-system?CMP=share_btn_fb

As I mentioned briefly, I have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my adult life - most of it undiagnosed - and at one time, or another, have tried most of the leading medications on the market. I have only anecdotal evidence to base my opinions on, I am neither a doctor nor a scientist so, don't sue me if what I'm about to say doesn't hold true for you. Any treatment of moderate to severe depression should ideally involve medical and psychological professionals. 

Depression, at least in my experience of it, is of the body. It is not the sole property of one organ either. I believe that we aren't going to find a cure for depression, and many of the other "mental illnesses" until we let go of the Cartesian (Rene Descartes) ideal that our intellect and emotional being is separate from our biology. We are, therefore we think. Our bodies are not mechanical transportation for our intellect, our intellect is as much a function of our biology as the digestion of food. To put an even blunter point on it, our emotional life is as much blood and guts as the rest of our bodies processes. 

Philosophies aside, I 'capitol k,' know that when I take better care of my body, I experience a reduction in the duration, and intensity, of both anxiety and depressive symptoms. I know that eating well, and exercising are the reasons I am able to stay away from the pharmacy counter, and all those drugs that have - at least for me - done more harm, than good. I know, as much as it is not my sole reason for eating well and exercising, that loosing 30 lbs has bolstered both my self esteem, and given me more energy to act on any of the pursuits I wish to give my time to. 

While research, such as highlighted in the attached newspaper article, gives me hope that one day we might have a better handle on mental illness in general, I am not willing to wait - nor do I think anyone should - until all the evidence has been collected. Any relief from anxiety and depression is evidence enough to continue to eat well - and as cleanly as you can - get plenty of exercise, and even more importantly, plenty of rest. 

So I will amend my earlier statement, by saying that any treatment plan for depression should involve a medical doctor, a psychologist, a nutritionist, and a membership to a gym, or at least a good pair of walking shoes. 

Forget Pilates, Go Shovel the Snow

In honor of today's weather I will share this: did you know that shoveling snow at a moderate pace burns approximately 400 - 600 calories per hour? Doing some simple math, I'm up to ~1000 calories and I have at least ~1000 more that I'll burn by the end of the night.

All of this is to say, it's snowing here.

And now it's time for another confession. I enjoy shoveling the snow, even on the occasions when I know it's a slightly futile act because there is just more snow coming. I do not like using the snow blower that belongs to my father-in-law because a: it's a beast of a thing that could clear a parking lot, and b: it doesn't do a very good job. It is, I must admit, great for clearing the gravel private road to our house, but for the paved driveway, it kind of sucks. If there is a "c:" it would be because I'm afraid I'll break it.

I like shoveling snow because, while a bid mindless and repetitive, you can actually see your progress as you work literally down to the last shovel width you just cleared. Unlike, say, being able to see your progress at the gym. I like it because it is good exercise, as mentioned above, and I like it because it gives me an excuse to get outside. I like it best when the air is cold, and the snow is thick enough to dampen all sound. I even like the scarping sound the shovel makes as it runs along the pavement.

And that brings me to yet another confession. Sitting for long periods of time makes me unhappy. As much as I will complain when I do not get time to sit and relax, and as much as I am aggravated when common household chores are ALWAYS left to me, I am my father's son, and I get cranky when I'm stuck indoors, inactive.

To me, experiencing the cold and inclement weather, feeling the chill on your skin, the tightness of your bronchioles and sinuses as you breath, and even the ache in your fingers and toes, is part of being really alive. I will harp on this, sometimes eloquently and sometimes not, until I no longer have the ability to speak: it does not do to hide indoors until warmer weather returns.

Or as my father would put it, "yeah, its' cold. So?"

Six Stages of Change

The DiClemente/Prochaska Six Stages of Change were coined twenty years ago following the researchers career-long experience counseling individuals, and groups, suffering from addiction. I first came across these several years ago in the smoking cessation group I belonged to at the time, and I personally believe they are applicable to any positive change we make in our lives.

The theory begins like this: change is a process, it is not something we do in the same way we would put on new clothing, or turn on a light switch. It takes time, and self awareness to change, and individuals do not necessarily go through these stages in order. For illustration, I'll use examples related to nutrition and fitness.

The Six Stages of Change

1. Pre-Contemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Determination
4. Action
5. Maintenance
6. Termination

So, the first of the stages sounds rather odd: What the heck is pre-contemplation? Simply put, we are unaware that change is needed.

When it comes to diet and exercise, most of us are - at least on some level - aware there is a problem. However; we may not yet know if, or how, being overweight and inactive is effecting our longterm, and short-term health. We can't assume, for example, that every individual who is overweight or obese perceives it as a problem. In fact, some of us are just built bigger than others and our size isn't always indicative of any of our metabolic markers for health. (blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, blood glucose etc)

The contemplation stage is, lets be honest here, where most of us find ourselves when it comes to diet and fitness. We know that change is required, but we have no intention of doing anything about it. Many people become perpetually stuck between this stage and the next: determination.

In the determination stage, we have accepted that we need to make some positive changes but what you still need is a plan, some course of action to take. Unfortunately, the diet and exercise industries are usually our, as well as their own, worst enemies here. We are bombarded with so much misinformation and empty promises that it's difficult to make the right ones. We want an answer, and being as over-scheduled and over-stimulate as we are, we want one that is easy and quick. It's easy to get mired, mislead, and lose hope here. Sending us back into contemplation for long periods of time.

We've reached the action stage. We've chosen some plan of action, and we're going to rip the bandage off, and do it. Here is where the choices we made during the determination stage either pay off, or send us backwards, sometimes all the way to back to the contemplation stage. And, that is perfectly normal. No one hits a home run the first time they step up to the plate, and it's unkind to expect yourself to break that rule.

Look at me using a sports analogue...

Lets assume, for the sake of being positive, that we've made good choices and we've found some lifestyle choices we can live with. We are then in what is called the maintenance stage. Relapse is not only possible, it's normal, and illustrative. It may be possible that the choices you've made are not sustainable for you, or are too extreme for your current health and fitness level. It may be advisable to go back to the determination stage, and consider a new plan of action. Most of us will repeat this many times until we finally achieve the last stage of change: termination.

The change has become our new normal.